I declared I never would.
For the last 10 months (ish) I've felt God asking me to start a blog. I don't say that to be hyper-spiritual. I only say it because I really didn't want to.
You'd think after losing every single wrestling match I've ever played in against God and walking away limping, I'd catch on that He is good in what He asks of us & that because His ways are higher than ours & because He is all-powerful, He wins every. single. time. (Technically, He does let me have my own way if I want, but it's not a good feeling, and so I end up waving the white flag because I like good feelings. I like God fellowship. I like His confirmation of my obedience.)
I'm an introvert by nature. An "I'd rather you not know about my business" kinda gal. Several years ago I made a vow to Him that I would be transparent as He asked me to. It was during a time of some serious refining in my life, which produced a new closeness with Him that I'd not experienced before. I knew it wouldn't always be an easy thing, but I also knew I wanted to obey with all my heart. But, really? A blog?! First of all, I'm only the four millionth, five hundred sixty thousandth, nine hundred ninetieth person with a blog. Second of all, I don't read blogs myself because I barely have enough time to keep up with what I've got going on in my life, and when I'm on the computer I just wanna see the latest on Facebook! :) I just don't know much of anything about them. [But...maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I won't fall into comparing myself to other bloggers and sites now that I think about it!]
So, we wrestled. My husband doesn't call me "bulldog" for nothin'! I've long since been a doubting Thomas. All these Bible guys and gals sure make me feel better about being so human. Maybe I'm not hearing right? Maybe? Maybe? What if people don't get what I'm trying to say? What if? What if?
But, God turned on the "God-scream" as I call it. The "I'm lovingly making it clear around every corner so I don't know why you're ignoring and wrestling with the decision" scream.
When every other conversation, verse, etc. says um, YES.
This past weekend, my girls and I were able to head to Chicago to watch the pre-Olympic 2012 U.S. Classic qualifier for gymnastics. Remember Nastia Liuken? The graceful, make it look so easy, gold medalist at the 2008 Olympics? She was there too! My girls wanted to try to get her autograph, so before the awards were even handed out, they headed down to the bottom row to the section where the gymnasts were possibly going to sign. I walked down after the event to wait on the girls and watched all the pre-teen/teenage girls waving their signs, papers, shirts, etc., and doing their little girl screams to try and get Nastia's attention. I had a little God-moment. I found myself wondering if this was what it was like sometimes when Jesus walked the earth and showed up in a town, or at an event? The Bible says the crowds around him were enormous at times. People wanting to hear what He had to say...people wanting to be healed...people wanting only to touch the hem of His garment.....
How often did the crowd around him get a little out of control? My girls didn't get Nastia's signature. She was within two feet of them, but skipped around them. Did some walk away from their journey to see Jesus disappointed because they didn't get the time with Him that they wanted?
Then I think, I wonder if all these little girl-fans knew Nastia personally, would they still want her autograph?? Or would they find her to be a disappointing personality and just pass on it?? (My girls said she had a friendly smile, not at all saying she's not a nice person) :) It was just me "thinking"...
I came to the point in my life since saying "I do" to Jesus where I don't want to just be a part of the crowd that came to check out the new guy in town. Who came to see some cool miracles/tricks. I don't just want His signature to prove that I've met Him, then leave His very words, His love letter just sitting on my coffee table. I want to spend my life being His disciple. (Does anyone else ever get jealous thinking of those 12 disciples who got to be with Him day in and day out in person? I do. Just sayin'.) I want to live with the knowledge that He truly is in front of me, beside me, always present, though unseen. Because, I HAVE gotten to know Him, and He's the real deal. He's AMAZING. He's intensely personal, yet above-all-things-holy. He's involved in the smallest of details in my life, yet holds the entire world that He created in His hands and knows every single detail of every human being on planet earth. He's a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, a safe place to hide, a patient companion, a calming peace when I'm afraid/terrified, a consuming fire, and jealous for me.
And so, because I love Him, I will obey what I feel He's asking me to do. I ask Him to help me to blog with love, because we can do many things, but if we have not love, we are/gain nothing. I ask Him to keep me accountable, and if this blog ever becomes about me, that He would remove it. I ask that He not let me misrepresent Him while sharing my experiences and stories of life while following Him.
Being transparent has been a humbling thing for me. An unnerving thing at times. But, His love letter says that He opposes the proud, so I'll be content with unnerving for now. His Holy Spirit has taught me that at times I'm to keep my mouth shut when I want to say something, and other times to speak up when I want to keep quiet. I ask Him to help me to discern these on here too.
This very day 27 years ago I said "I do" to Jesus. This very day I have been sitting in our recliner with a neck and shoulder so stiff I'm not good for anything. (I'm now finishing this up the next day, May 30th) While spending time with my frozen bag of peas on my shoulder, I started reflecting on all He's done for me since He's been in my life. This afternoon I heard Him whisper, "Put together the blog. You've got plenty of time on your hands today." Hmmmmm, am I so stubborn that He resorted to an out-of-place spinal chord to get me to follow through?!? The little joke went through my head that I must have some stiff-necked Israelite in me after all. Funny, but I really actually DON'T want to be part of the stiff-necked crowd, who only obeys when it's convenient. So, I begin this blogging journey....
If you'd like to hear what God can do with a doubting, introverted, bulldog wrestler, [so charming] then come along for the ride. I'd welcome the companionship~
Jules
