Hi. I'm Julie. Remember me now? Ok, good. :)
At the beginning of the year I shared with you the conscious choice I made to offer my heart so open wide to Him this year that He had access to shape and mold me into the best me that I could be. I fully understand that this process isn't done in one year (for me, it was similar to a New Year's resolution) but I did want to specifically be intentional about it this year.
Early on in the spring of this year I began to be very aware that God was shining a light (we're talking a pretty bright spotlight, so there was no just closing my eyes and hope-it-would-go-away kinda thing.) into a broken part of my heart. Granted, He had done MUCH healing in previous years - but I always knew I was not completely healed from the wound because of how quickly the pain resurfaced in different situations. I felt God very specifically give me a verse in regards to what He wanted to do in my heart - and I decided immediately I would claim it in faith all throughout the process.
*Joel 2:25
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army that I sent among you. (ESV)
Locusts. They are devastating little creatures.
One day the land that surrounds you is green, growing, and beautifully flourishing. The next, you look outside to this: (a description from M. Olivier from Voyage dans l' Empire Othoman, ii. 424) (in regards to who this is, or what book it is referring to - do not ask me - because I do not know. As I was researching about locusts I found the quote in a Bible dictionary. Just wanted you to know that):)
"We witnessed them twice. It is difficult to express the effect produced on us by the sight of the whole atmosphere filled on all sides and to a great height by an innumerable quantity of these insects, whose flight was slow and uniform, and whose noise resembled that of rain; the sky was darkened, and the light of the sun considerably weakened. In a moment the terraces of the houses, the streets, and all the fields were covered by these insects, and in two days they had nearly devoured all the leaves of the plants." *Joel 2:6 says, "Before them peoples are in anguish; all faces grow pale."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that every single human being has had a circumstance enter into their life that has stripped them of something. It may have been your dignity. Your confidence. Your joy. Your healthy self-esteem. Your peace. Your trust. Your reputation. Your companion. Your ________. You fill in the blank. It broke your heart.
When I wrote my post at the beginning of the year, (linked above in the highlighted words) I talked about the fact that most of the time it does not bother me when someone is better than me. That still is true of me, but the ironic thing is that when I typed - and I quote: "I can't that say I've NEVER felt the sting of someone thinking they're better than me…" I knew exactly the one incident that still definitely stung my life. And that was the one incident that - you guessed it - He soon brought to my attention that I needed to be completely free from.
My husband and I have unintentionally begun a tradition of spending a good deal of time talking about where we've come from in our marriage and where God has us now when we are celebrating our anniversary together. It has been for me some of the most treasured conversations we've ever shared together. They are brutally honest. (if you'd like to read our story, visit this post here) During one of these conversations he admitted that someone/persons had let him know in their own way that well, he could've done better. I promise he shared it with no ill intentions and I wasn't surprised to hear him say it because I had felt him/her/them giving me those vibes already. (I'm keeping this very vague in regards to whether it was one, or more than one persons, as a way to keep identity(s) hidden as much as possible. I have NO desire to write any part of my story out of spite or revenge. I have spent a lot of moments asking Him to help me do this with a clean conscience. Because if I can't, I should not be sharing the story at all!) I was old enough, wise enough, aware enough - whatever you call it:) - to know that there are multitudes of women who could have been a better wife than me. Obviously though, this is an unhealthy thing to pass on - whether with hints, or words - to someone that is in the covenant of marriage. The insinuation stung.
The enemy doesn't miss a thing. Especially when it comes to our weaknesses. It's maddening. (insert cartoon face that is bright red with smoke coming out of the nose and angry eyebrows - and stomping the foot) You see, there was a time period, in the year before my hubs became a Christian especially, where I felt that I couldn't do much of anything right for him. (um, don't forget what I just said in the above paragraph. I do not share this to put him in a bad light. It is just truth about our story that I believe is beneficial to share. I will readily admit I made mistakes too.) It blindsided me and wore me down in a locust kind of way. I wish that I could say that I found my identity solely in Christ at that time. I wish I could say I rested and relied on and gained strength from Him with my whole heart. But it was not that way. I definitely had times where I rested in Him and was strengthened, but I was much like Leah in the Bible just as often. I worked to earn back my husband's favor. Interestingly enough, Leah herself came to the place where her soul found rest and rejoiced in God and focused on him instead of her husband. *Genesis 29 The very last verse of this chapter tells us so. But in the very next chapter *Genesis 30 she falls right back into the trap of desperately wanting her husband's approval. I definitely can identify with her struggle.
In my pain of not "fitting the bill as a wife" it was especially heartbreaking to me when I observed or felt my husband sharing a camaraderie with another woman, or was around another woman that I knew liked him more than me. I'm not talking about being hyper-sensitive all the time, possessive around my husband kind of knowing. I'm talking about the, I believe, God-given intuition that comes to us as women that alerts us to unhealthy actions of other women around our men that SHOULD be a red flag. In these situations, I tossed up and down over waves of anger, pity, trying to remind myself that it's probably not as bad as I perceive it to be, and trying to just simply get over it and be "brave". The enemy took advantage of my weaknesses. He really did. The locusts chewed away my self-worth and confidence.
Weeping remained for a night. That's for sure. In terms of what we call a night, it was "many moons". *Psalm 30:5
But You, Sovereign Lord,
help me for Your name's sake;
out of the goodness of Your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow.
I am shaken off like a locust.
*Psalm 109: 21-23
I will exalt you, Lord
for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God,
I called to You for help, and You healed me.
*Psalm 30
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners;
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
-Jesus *Isaiah 61:1 & 3a
It took time, but God came in a mighty way and Jesus brought healing. He bandaged my wounds and became my Wonderful Counselor . *Isaiah 9:6 He opened my eyes and He taught me good things. He gave me a new and wonderfully strong bond with my husband that was glued together through difficult circumstances.
You might be asking, "Why then, was God telling you that you needed more work done in this area?"
He's shown me that there is a difference between healing - and restoring. You see, if I was to stand looking out over a large piece of land that symbolized my life and I'd survey the different events that make up my story - when I'd look over to the field that contained the story of my self-worth and confidence as Ed's wife - at the beginning of this year I would have seen plants and trees that had still been stripped of their leaves and greenery. Yes, God had come and healed so much of me but in the word picture in my mind there wouldn't be lush vegetation and beautiful green trees. I had accepted the healing balm - but it's almost as if I had looked out over the years the locusts ate and said, "Thank you that I am not completely destroyed. In the locust invasion, you upheld me. I thank You for being faithful when I allowed myself to become discouraged and was not faithful in running to You. I thank You so much for what I have left in the other fields that make up my story. I will focus on those blessings now." When in fact, His desire has been to RESTORE that field. To where we open our hearts back up after the bandaging and healing in order for Him to GROW AN EVEN GREATER HARVEST THAN WHAT WAS IN THAT FIELD BEFORE THE DEVASTATION CAME.
This past weekend I was in Ft. Wayne, IN for a live simulcast with Beth Moore. I had just in the last few weeks felt that I was coming full circle in this whole process and it was such an astounding blessing to me to hear Him confirm what I felt I had learned this year - all throughout the conference, over and over. We stood for one of the final times of worship and in what has often become a part of my own personal way to worship, I closed my eyes for a moment. It helps me to focus on Him rather than on anyone or anything else. There are several ways that God chooses to speak into my life, and one of them has been through a picture in my mind. We began to sing and in my heart I offered gratitude to Him for both the things revealed to me from His Word over the course of the day, as well as the confirmations - through the words of a godly speaker of the truth - of what He had been teaching me over the course of the year. The image came. I will describe it the best that I can, and perhaps instead of me in the picture, I actually hope that you will see yourself.
I was walking directly down a path in the middle of a field and on both sides of me was growing beautiful golden grain, ripe for harvest, to heights well above my head. The sun was setting with beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow behind a man standing at the end of the path. His arms were open wide, waiting for me, and as I drew closer I looked into the smiling face of Jesus. I also remember a flock of birds taking flight on either side of me in beautiful formation as I got closer to Him.
It lasted for a moment, but the image is etched into my mind and makes me smile because it so beautifully describes what I'm trying to relay to all of you. It wasn't a field of "the locusts were here, and I'm glad I made it through their visit", but rather it was a field with growth so high only our mighty God could have restored it. I hope this is all making some sense?
We have to do our part too, though.
What did He ask of me?
1. That I humble myself. This was true of the Israelites too. He tells King Solomon in *2 Chronicles 7:13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people…" (wait for it…drum roll, please…)
"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." *2 Chronicles 7:14
For me that meant humbling myself enough to allow Him to finish His work without putting it on the back burner. Such as, when a situation came up where I felt the prick, instead of thinking "You're overreacting" or "I'll deal with my feelings later" and then forgetting to do that, or not taking the time - I met them head on and intentionally worked to die to myself by asking God to help me let go of past regrets or untrue thoughts. (To me, the birds taking flight in my mental picture speak to that) We have GOT to learn to speak life into our minds to complete the new growth. We HAVE to. If I was in the middle of a conversation or an interaction with another person, including my husband, there were many times that my plea to God was a quick cry from my heart by thinking these words in my mind:
The years the locusts have eaten. Restore them.
Humbling myself also meant (and still means) honoring my husband and others above myself. *Romans 12:10 By putting his needs as a priority (and no, it has not been done perfectly). By praying for those that hurt me with their actions and words. (You know what else? Honoring others above ourselves doesn't mean that we neglect ourselves and become doormats with no boundaries. Don't forget that);) Humbling myself meant trusting God when I opened my heart back up, that His will and what He allows to come into my life would be trustworthy and good and true even if it meant being hurt by others again.
2) That I admit I could use more help. Sometimes what we've known for so long - our normal responses, our normal reactions, our normal actions - when unhealthy - aren't painful enough nor do they feel unhealthy enough for us to feel the need to change them. The floodgates of His wisdom, when I intentionally asked Him to help me, were poured out in abundance.
3) That I confess my own sins. *Psalm 66:18 *Acts 3:19
As I think about my own circumstances I've described, I can't help but be aware of the fact that there are many of you that have experienced FAR more difficult circumstances than I when the locusts descended onto your field. I will admit to you that I don't completely understand why God allows certain people to be brought through such devastating places. These things, though, I do know: that He weeps with us in the pain and that He can restore any amount of devastation and turn it into a beautiful harvest.
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. *Psalm 126:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding… *Proverbs 3:5
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. *Psalm 71:14
Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. *1 Chronicles 16:11
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
…but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. *Psalm 37:5, 6, 7a, 9b
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you… *Psalm 55:22
He waits. He waits with outstretched arms to receive us into His presence. Come as you are.
(Crowder sings a beautiful song called Come As You Are. I have played it countless times since I found it. Listen to it. Seriously. Click on the link. You won't regret it) :)
And when the locusts unexpectedly come into your life and descend upon your fields, run to Him. For the duration - run to Him.
Jules
