You cannot read the gospels without being struck by the fact that it didn't matter who was around Jesus when He was on this earth - everyone who was in His presence was affected in some way or another. Some people fell to their knees in reverence. Some people became angry. Some people rejoiced like they had never rejoiced before at the miracles of healing they experienced. Some people's minds became consumed with hatred to the point of plotting His death. He produced a reaction wherever He went.
His name is still making waves in people's hearts and minds. Amen and Amen.
For 18 years and 8 months I have been a mama. (Um, what?!?) 18 years and 8 months ago I brought forth my firstborn child. For 18 years and 8 months, my mama heart has been treasuring up moments with and of my kids. I still remember vividly several months after my oldest was born, it hitting me HARD the responsibility God had entrusted to me. When you're newly married the thought of having kids someday is such an exciting thing - at least it was for me. I was still excited, but the reality had hit me. I held an eternal soul. The thought hit me that my husband and I could spend years teaching Whitney of God and His Word and she may someday reject Him. Walk away. Decide it wasn't for her. It's the kind of thought that makes a mama run - RUN - to Jesus.
As long as I've been a mother, I still don't feel adequate in giving parenting advice. Motherhood for me has been a conglomeration of grace, unknowns, exhaustion, joy beyond measure, tears, apologies, days that feel nothing short of perfection and even more imperfect days, and more grace. But, I will share freely and adamantly that I would not, could not have survived, cannot survive now, without prayer. As a mother, you DO have time to pray for your children. In every season, pray boldly and do. not. give. up. That is my one piece of advice. I have run to Him for 18 years and 8 months. I have asked Him for wisdom. I have asked Him for strength when I was exhausted. I have asked Him to heal my kids' hurting hearts. I have asked Him to circumcise my kids' hearts (*Deuteronomy 30:6) so that they will love Him with a whole heart. I've prayed that their roots will go deep in Him - that no matter what they go through, their faith will remain unshakeable. I have asked Him to protect them from an enemy that wants nothing but to steal, kill, and destroy them. So many things, I have prayed about so many things for my kids.
Years ago, as they began to get older and more independent I began to pray that God would expose them. Expose anything they were going through. Expose anything they were struggling with. Expose anything they were trying to hide. Expose it all so that we could help them through it. (Which by the way - produces even more prayer as a mama - a prayer for WISDOM);) I can't say that I've prayed it consistently, but I will say God has answered this particular prayer mightily. And I can attest to the fact that in my weakness and inadequacies, His grace has been sufficient when I haven't always known how to perfectly help them. Glory be to Him.
Last winter we were getting ready to start a bible study at church on the life of Jesus. In the weeks before it started, as I was anticipating the study it hit me in my quiet time one day how there was no one who could be around Jesus as He walked this earth without it impacting them strongly. I'm not going to be dogmatic and say that there was definitely no one who remained indifferent when they met Jesus, but Scripture strongly suggests to me that His presence made an impact. Whether it was negative and revealed the darkness of a human heart, or positive and revealed Jesus as the Son of God in all of His glory. He met them in the day to day, not just on the Sabbath as so many Christians live today, being "Sunday Christians" that wake up Monday morning and seem to forget who they belong to. I thought to myself, "I don't want my family to be anywhere close to "Sunday Christians". I want us to live like we know that Jesus is present everywhere we are, ESPECIALLY in our home. I want it to make a huge impact in how we respond to each other (hello, sibling rivalry. hehe), what we watch and listen to and read, etc., I want His presence to bring peace in the stresses of life, and healing to what's hurting our hearts because we're FULLY AWARE of His presence. Because His presence makes an impact. Always. Jesus interrupted and changed people's everyday routines. He met them every day of the week. I wanted our family to be interrupted every day of the week. Because when we're not, we get comfortable. And comfortable can be a weak spot for the enemy to be quite happy with.
I was already aware of a struggle that my son was going through and had been aware of the fact that I really felt like it was the enemy picking on him.
Let me tell you, as a mother, if you want to see me rise up like a mama bear, draw my sword, ready to swing and fight hard, it's when I sense the enemy attacking my kids. It makes me madder than a hornet. So, I cling to the power of God and the mighty name of Jesus, plead to God, and fight on their behalf in prayer.
With all of this in mind, I decided to begin praying boldly that Jesus would make us fully aware of His presence. That He would expose us in a new way so that we might be changed, in whatever way He knew we needed.
In a way, it felt like all hell broke loose soon after I began praying that prayer.
I'm old enough to recognize the enemies tactics against me (well, most of the time) and let me tell you, apparently he wasn't happy with my prayer. I had a rough week that week and felt the oppression and he was persistent. Thankfully, I have a praying mother and father and my mom told me God had laid me on her heart that week. I'm also so thankful my God is far more powerful than our enemy that seeks to destroy us. I didn't back down and persisted in praying my bold prayers. Not all of the "all hell broke loose" was just the enemy, but was also God answering my prayer. I don't feel the need to share details, but God has been faithful in keeping things out in the open and not bottled up and hidden in darkness - even the "small things".
You know what, though? Guess who the first person I noticed Him dealing with first was?... Yeah, me. And really quickly. *sigh*
And it continues. Like just two weeks ago. Have you ever felt like you've worked through forgiveness, only to have one situation - ONE - pop up and suddenly you're basically blind sighted by the emotions and reactions that come flying out of you in response? If you have, then you know what happened to me that day. I literally thought, "Have I learned absolutely nothing in the past years?!? What even is all this?!?" I was so frustrated with my response.
Just a little earlier in the week I had come across this quote that I had written down a year or two ago and stuffed in my office drawer:
"The people who hurt you or cause pain are actually gift bearers. They offer an opportunity for you to see where you need healing for a sensitive, weak spot in your life." (I don't remember where I found it, and I usually write down the author when it's available so apparently this one didn't have a name to it.)
I have to confess it took me 2 days to actually sit and take the time to tell God I needed help once again, after just stewing about it in my mind. (that's kind of embarrassing to type) :/ But, I had been in town getting groceries and wanted to stop at Super Wal-Mart yet before I headed home to look for a certain flavor in k-cups for my oldest at college that I hadn't been able to find elsewhere. Somewhere along the way, between Meijer and Super Wal-Mart - which are probably somewhere between a 1/2 mile to a mile apart, a dam burst. I sat for a minute or two in the Wal-Mart parking lot thinking I'd get myself pulled together in a minute and finish my last errand, but it never happened. I finally left for home, figuring k-cups could wait. I let myself cry as hard as I needed to, especially when I got home. (Driving and crying hard don't make for a great safety feature. hehe) I went to a recliner in our living room and I simply said, "Help." "Please help." I picked up my Bible and opened it to *Lamentations 2 and began reading. Starting at verse 13, these words jumped out at me: "What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?" I kept reading as verses later in the chapter spoke to me as well: *Lamentation 2:18 "The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. O wall of the Daughter of Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; *Lamentations 2:19 "...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children..."
And so I broke down the wall I place around my heart and told Him all about it once again. I let my tears flow and I let the words come and flow. I poured out my heart like water. My circumstances are nowhere NEAR the pain that the book of Lamentations addresses, but I knew God was using those words to teach me in my own reactions and hurt feelings too. Part of the reason I hesitated in bringing all of it to Him was, first of all, is I'm just tired of the wound being there. Tired of it producing a reaction. I just want it to all go away, you know? The second reason was that I knew that my inward response was an overreaction and that God would be dealing with that too. My pride didn't feel like being reprimanded - however childish that sounds. :/ But, since that day something has once again shifted towards healing and I've recalled the fact that I've asked God to make His presence known so that we might be changed into His likeness. Maybe someday He'll ask me to share what He's taught me when I've reached a place of complete healing.
I have heard an alarming amount of fellow believers say in one way or another, "That's just the way I am. It's just my personality or it's the way God made me," with the connotation that there's not room for Him to change the behavior or bad habit. In all kindness, let me say that I wholeheartedly disagree. His power knows no limits and He has given us everything we need for a godly life in Christ Jesus. *2 Peter 1: 3-9 Maybe it's just that we don't always WANT to change. Or, we don't know how, and have given up when we can't break the cycle or feel like power and answers aren't coming fast enough.
hi my name is ryan (That line is from my son, who asked me if this was my blog with an ornery grin on his face, then asked me to keep his greeting on here. Wish granted. Hello from my youngest. And you're welcome for the squirrel moment.)
This last year and a half has included a huge transition for our family. My oldest graduated from high school and moved to college several months ago. I don't think I've ever experienced such a kaleidoscope of memories and emotions bombard me at one time as they did for a little over a year, particularly in the last month or so before she left. And I mean, bombard me. Smiles came easily as I remembered moments. Tears came easily as I remembered moments. I remembered times where I could've been a better mom and my heart ached and I thanked God for being perfect and asked Him to please fill in the void(s) with grace as only He can. I remembered times where I was a good mom and my heart reminded myself that it is God who worked in me to be a good mother for my kids. *Philippians 2:13 I can take no credit.
I remembered. Years of moments treasured and stored up in this mama's heart came back to mind and back to life.
How she was so little when she started walking that she could walk right under our kitchen table without ducking.
How I was both shocked and doubled over laughing when two of the first words she strung together were, "Dat poop?!?" while she sat on the counter watching me scoop brownie batter into a 9x13 pan.
How she has always loved winter (I have NO idea where that came from. Cause the good Lord knows mama doesn't like those endless cloudy, freezing, holed-up, slushy wet snow days. :D) and one particular week had been praying for snow. I got to witness her pushing her nose up against the window of our living room, looking up to heaven and whispering, "Thank you for the snow."
How she arranged every single thing she played with into perfect rows with same shapes and colors together. To a fault.
On and on and on...
I'm so thankful for the gift of memories. And my mama heart grieved in letting her go, because I had begun to feel like I was gaining a good friend, even though I was still the mom.
And then I began praying with renewed vigor that God would reveal in us what needed to be revealed so that we could experience Jesus in a new and real way. And He answered.
And then I began to question whether I should've chosen a different time to start praying that prayer because He revealed struggles in Whitney's life that created some stressful days this past summer while we were getting ready for graduation, an open house, college move in day, etc.(All amidst my husband and I BOTH getting our appendix removed within a couple months of each other.) AAAACCKK. hehe It's also not a fun thing to hear that some of what your child is struggling with is something that includes a mistake you made. *sigh*
But, the other part of me marveled at how God seemed to delight in the prayer I was praying for my family. Even if it felt overwhelming at times - He was being faithful. He's still being faithful in answering. He's also still in the process of bringing me and a couple of my kids through the changing, healing process - we've not come to a place of complete victory or healing, but I promise you I have no doubts He WILL bring us to that place.
When Whitney left for college, I remember thinking I wished there were a few things in her life that she'd be more mature in. Things that we've taught her that haven't quite moved from her head to her heart.
We left her after that move-in weekend and in the weeks that followed I felt God speak over my heart and mind. He reminded me of the fact that ultimately Whitney (and Cassidy and Ryan) are HIS. That as much as I've filled up my heart so very full over the years with "mama things" - she is loved and treasured beyond my wildest imagination by Him and He is now taking over on a whole new level as she becomes of age and has moved out on her own. He'll continue to mature her in His own good timing and plans for her.
Treasured and pondered. My thoughts have went to Mary, the mother of Jesus so many times in this past year.
*Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
*Luke 2:51b "...But His mother treasured all these things in her heart."
From Strong's Concordance of the Bible:
(treasured up is the word "kept" in the KJV, which Strong's uses.)
in verse 19: treasured up: to keep closely together. to conserve. to remember. to preserve, keep safe, keep close [of the mother of Jesus.]
in verse 51: treasured up: to watch thoroughly.
pondered: to consider.
I love the Amplified translation: "But Mary treasured all these things, giving careful thought to them and pondering them in her heart."
Jesus' powerful presence rocked His earthly mother's world even as an infant. A mother's heart can truly be a mysterious, deep well, full of memories we retain - that perhaps only we can fully know and understand why those particular ones that we treasure mean so much to us.
God also reminded me that as we are created in His image *Genesis 1:27 the beautiful reflection recorded in the Bible of Mary the mother of Jesus is a reflection of how much He treasures and ponders over His own. There are numerous verses that reflect how He delights over us and loves us that I won't list here, but dive in and ask Him to reveal them if you need the confirmation and reminder.
What a gift we give to our family, friends, neighbors, and communities when we invite the One who treasures us most, to show up, change our atmospheres, and reveal what in us needs to be touched, changed and healed by Him - when people can see how our responses are different, how our lifestyle is different, how are personalities have changed to reflect Him.
It's never too late to start asking. Keep treasuring and pondering those moments you have with your kids - whether physical or spiritual children - and ask. "Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children..." *Lamentations 2:19
May we have the courage to fight the fight, to let Him change and heal us. No matter how scary it feels or what comes to light. For we are asking the One who treasures and ponders us more than we can imagine.
And, let the change begin with me,
Jules
