The church we attended before being led to our current church had a short time of testimony/sharing as part of the worship service on Sunday mornings. We had been attending for several years, when I first felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to share something I had learned that week. What?!? Me? It's been a process for me, learning how to discern the still, small voice. I wanted to obey but also was unsure of myself. I remember telling God, "Okay, if you really want me to do this, I'm asking you to please give me some extreme clarity on Sunday morning to confirm what I feel You're asking of me." (Excuse me, pardon me, doubting Thomas coming through...!) :) I headed to church that morning wondering if He'd come through with my little request or if I'd be able to tell/hear His answer. I'll never forget walking through the doors of the church (well, technically it was a gymnasium that we were meeting in at the time) and the very minute I passed through the doors my heart began thumping out of my chest like a racehorse but at the same time I felt a peace. ("Ok, Ok! I know I tend to need blatant responses God, but a heart attack this morning wasn't necessarily what I had in mind...") Over the years though, in the times that I did share, He was faithful in giving me the yay or nay.
Fast forward about 5 years to a spring season where I'm standing again at the front of the church to share what God had laid on my heart. I was in the middle of going through the Bible study "Believing God" by Beth Moore with a group of ladies at church and was excited about all I was learning, but it also included some new refining in my life. I'd leave the Bible study some evenings and cry on the way home (which wasn't a normal, common thing for me) ;) not always sure why, except that God was doing a new work in my heart. I stood up front and shared with my fellow brothers and sisters that I had been feeling much like an onion in the previous weeks as God began peeling some layers off of my heart in a brand new way. For those of you that know of and have learned of the five "love languages" will understand what I'm talking about when I say my receiving love language is "words of affirmation". It lifts me up to hear those who love me give genuine, heartfelt, affirming words to me. Over the years I had been keeping some of the cards and notes of encouragement that friends had given me in my Bible as bookmarks, and also to read when I was feeling down. That week I had felt Him speak to my heart: "I want you to take those notes and cards out of your Bible and read what my word has to say about you." Then, several days later felt the nudge to share this with my church. Um, ok?! This one was shared in faith, my friends. I knew He would reveal what He wanted to teach me in His time, but I felt a little weird just ending it with those words...they felt so...open-ended.
I'll never forget though, how when I said the words out loud up front that day of how He wanted me to read what His word said about me, I had to choke back the tears out of the blue. I almost startled myself actually, by how much emotion hit me. But, I did it. In faith I had shared just what I felt Him asking me to.
Over the next weeks, God continued using that Bible study in a powerful way to prepare me for some big events in the life of my family. Good things. Faith-building events. (And yes, I have a feeling God wants me to share them on here at some point.) :) But, in the course of the next six months, He also lovingly refined me. One of the most difficult, but close-to-Him times in my life.
In the fall of the same year that I voiced I would be taking notes and cards out of my Bible, I was doing my usual weekly cleaning. (Well, it doesn't always happen weekly...but, who's keeping track?...) I have told God at times that I'm thankful that He uses kitchen floors and laundry rooms as holy ground, places where He speaks to us, because as a stay-at-home mom I sure spend a lot of time there. :) My girls were in school, and my son was taking a nap. I don't want it to come across like I live in a constant state of being aware of God's presence and fellowship with Him at all times, because it simply isn't so. But, this particular day I had some worship songs on my mind, and was enjoying His presence while going about my normal cleaning duties. I was mopping. Out of the blue, came a list. Not a pretty list. A list that kind of summed up a season of purifying and emotional ups and downs. A list that humbled me, made tears run down my cheeks, and at the same time gave me a grateful heart. Approximately six months after God asked me to hear what His word said about me came the list. Item after item spelled out in my mind, when I suddenly realized I needed to grab a pen and write them down. And, guess what? Yep, the following Sunday I felt Him ask me to share my list.
I will never understand God's timing. But, I'm learning through my own experiences to trust His ways by faith. To put my hope and trust in the truth that HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
My list was a list of confession. (Please don't be alarmed. You don't need to cover your child's ears or eyes.) :)
Sharing my list was the most painfully humbling thing I had ever done. But, I did it with Jesus by my side. I did it out of obedience to Him. I reminded my congregation of what I had shared earlier that spring. I also shared with them that I had walked through a difficult time of purifying with Him that year. Then, I shared my list. Before I even finished reading the first item on my list, the tears were streaming down my cheeks. I normally can't talk understandably when I'm crying, but a God-thing happened. I continued talking. (Okay, maybe not with perfect clarity, but I talked none-the-less) :)
1. I am like Haman, with enough pride to hang myself.
2. I am like the people described in John 12 who loved the praises of man more than praise from God. (A-hem! Cards and notes in the Bible...);) Affirmation is not a bad thing, and appreciating it is not a wrong-doing. But, it cannot take first place!
3. I am like the person described in Matthew 10 who loved my own father more than God.
4. I am like the Pharisees who stood on the street corners and saw the faults of others because of the planks in my own eyes. Who said to themselves, "I am SO glad I am not like them." I have learned that my criticisms are always for me FIRST.
5. I am like Leah who desperately sought the love and affection of her husband, but came away feeling empty-handed because she didn't desperately seek the One who loved her most, first.
6. I am like Jonathon because He has now given me a companion and friend after His own heart. (Referring to my husband)
7. I am like the Israelites who when going through the motions regarding God, He said of them, "They profess me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me!"
8. I am like Phillip, to whom Jesus said, "You have been with me this long, and you still do not know Me?!"
9. I am like Saul, who experienced emotional upheaval because of spiritual weakness.
10. I am like Jonah. I told God PLEASE don't make me walk down that aisle again! To which He replied, "The belly of the whale still exists."
11. I am like the Samaritan woman at the well who twisted her story to make herself look better to Jesus, but later said, "Come, meet the man who told me everything I ever did."
12. Above all, I'm excited and grateful to say I stand here now, REDEEMED and free and loved, still.
I wasn't sure really, what to expect when I was done. Would people think differently of me? I had been actively involved in our church for quite some time. Would people think: what a weirdo... I braced myself for a few seconds waiting for the first stone to be thrown. But, I also stood with a peace that passed understanding because I KNEW that Jesus stood beside me. That He loved me in spite of myself and the things my heart had been blinded to about myself. That He did not condemn me, but had set me free.
No stones were thrown. Before I had even finished what I had to say a friend came up and stood beside me. My pastor asked if He could pray for me. People stood, but only to come up and support me while he prayed that God would continue His work in me and that He would bless my life and the gifts He'd given me. That's love, people.
I felt early on that God would like for me to share this list on my blog as one of the first entries. I actually met it with a lot more fear this time. But, I believe in obedience. So, I lay my experiences before you. If it is only to keep me humble, then so be it. If it is only to help one person, then I pray God uses it as He wills. If it is to help people realize that I never want to portray myself as holier-than-thou to anyone as I write, then please see my heart.
Sometimes I think we look ahead to those who are more spiritually mature than we are, and instead of viewing them as still on the __level__ narrow way, we view them on a pedestal. As *higher* than us. It's not so. It's not a ladder of spiritual success to climb, it's a narrow-way journey that we all are walking on. God loves us all the same. Sometimes we look behind us to those that are newer Christians, more immature in Christ than we are, and we view ourselves as several rungs *higher* on a ladder than on the same __level__ narrow way. Jesus came to save sinners. We all sin, of whom I am the worst. *1 Timothy 1:15
I wonder how you feel about confession? Do you just ignore it because all your sins are covered under the blood? Do you fear His condemnation? Do you choose to keep on sinning so that grace may abound? Do you overanalyze your faults all the time in an unhealthy way? Do you reflect on sins that are already confessed and God-forgotton? Do you...?
Confession is such a valuable tool. It reminds us of our need for a Savior, and can rekindle gratitude within us for what He's saved us from. It brings humility, and the grace and God-favor that comes with it. *James 4:6 It makes us decrease, so that He can increase. A good thing. *John 3:30 It makes us more aware of our weaknesses that Satan targets to bring us down, so that we can learn to counterattack with the truth that God has forgiven us and we can live above the enemy's lies. When we are weak, then He is strong. *2 Corinthians 12:9,10 It brings refreshment and cleansing. *Acts 3:19 It opens up greater communication with God. *Psalm 66:18 And, that's a only a few...
This list was not the beginning of confession in my life, nor is it the final cleansing in my life. Yes, I still stumble in these areas at times. But, I have gained much victory over them. I learned how much Christ loves us in spite of our sins. How much He wants us to be free. How much freedom comes with having our eyes opened. It is almost hard for me to describe the simultaneous feelings that were coursing through me the day I received my list. I felt the weight of how the sins of my heart, that remained hidden for the most part from people, grieved and angered the heart of God. *I Samuel 16:7 Yet, at the same time there was NO condemnation from Him. Just intense, but gentle conviction. The enemy, HE'S the accuser. *Revelation 12:10 God convicts in love, then redeems and frees.
I'm wondering if you could use some refreshment. Some cold water in a dry and weary land. Come to the well ~with the Samaritan woman and I. Let Him free you from yourself. I'm reminded to head back there myself and open my heart to His conviction. Let Him take your sins and remember them no more. *Isaiah 43:25 He doesn't keep record. If He did, we'd be doomed goners. Let's be reminded that we serve a take-off-your-sandals-for-the-place-where-you-are-standing-is-holy-ground God. Sometimes in calling Him our bestie, loving companion, we forget to revere and honor and fear (HEALTHY fear) Him. Our above-all-things-holy God forgives. That should bring us to our knees. *Psalm 130:3,4
I'm thankful for fellow Christian companion-sistas. I'm thankful for YOU. Let's stay on the straight, narrow, and LEVEL path He has made for us.
Proverbs 4:26 Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Hebrews 12:13 Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Isaiah 26:7 The path of the righteous is level; O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth.
Psalm 26:12 My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord!!
Look with me in His word with confidence and an open heart to what He says about you. He's THE Wonderful Counselor. [*Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path]
You are loved and beautiful to Him!! Let no one tell you otherwise~
Jules
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