locusts, loss, and [new growth]

I almost couldn't remember my password when I went to sign into my blog. It's been awhile.

Hi. I'm Julie. Remember me now? Ok, good. :)

At the beginning of the year I shared with you the conscious choice I made to offer my heart so open wide to Him this year that He had access to shape and mold me into the best me that I could be. I fully understand that this process isn't done in one year (for me, it was similar to a New Year's resolution) but I did want to specifically be intentional about it this year.

Early on in the spring of this year I began to be very aware that God was shining a light (we're talking a pretty bright spotlight, so there was no just closing my eyes and hope-it-would-go-away kinda thing.) into a broken part of my heart. Granted, He had done MUCH healing in previous years - but I always knew I was not completely healed from the wound because of how quickly the pain resurfaced in different situations. I felt God very specifically give me a verse in regards to what He wanted to do in my heart - and I decided immediately I would claim it in faith all throughout the process.

*Joel 2:25
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army that I sent among you. (ESV)

Locusts. They are devastating little creatures.

One day the land that surrounds you is green, growing, and beautifully flourishing. The next, you look outside to this: (a description from M. Olivier from Voyage dans l' Empire Othoman, ii. 424) (in regards to who this is, or what book it is referring to - do not ask me - because I do not know. As I was researching about locusts I found the quote in a Bible dictionary. Just wanted you to know that):)
"We witnessed them twice. It is difficult to express the effect produced on us by the sight of the whole atmosphere filled on all sides and to a great height by an innumerable quantity of these insects, whose flight was slow and uniform, and whose noise resembled that of rain; the sky was darkened, and the light of the sun considerably weakened. In a moment the terraces of the houses, the streets, and all the fields were covered by these insects, and in two days they had nearly devoured all the leaves of the plants." *Joel 2:6 says, "Before them peoples are in anguish; all faces grow pale."

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that every single human being has had a circumstance enter into their life that has stripped them of something. It may have been your dignity. Your confidence. Your joy. Your healthy self-esteem. Your peace. Your trust. Your reputation. Your companion. Your ________. You fill in the blank. It broke your heart.

When I wrote my post at the beginning of the year, (linked above in the highlighted words) I talked about the fact that most of the time it does not bother me when someone is better than me. That still is true of me, but the ironic thing is that when I typed - and I quote: "I can't that say I've NEVER felt the sting of someone thinking they're better than me…" I knew exactly the one incident that still definitely stung my life. And that was the one incident that  - you guessed it - He soon brought to my attention that I needed to be completely free from.

My husband and I have unintentionally begun a tradition of spending a good deal of time talking about where we've come from in our marriage and where God has us now when we are celebrating our anniversary together. It has been for me some of the most treasured conversations we've ever shared together. They are brutally honest. (if you'd like to read our story, visit this post here) During one of these conversations he admitted that someone/persons had let him know in their own way that well, he could've done better. I promise he shared it with no ill intentions and I wasn't surprised to hear him say it because I had felt him/her/them giving me those vibes already. (I'm keeping this very vague in regards to whether it was one, or more than one persons, as a way to keep identity(s) hidden as much as possible. I have NO desire to write any part of my story out of spite or revenge. I have spent a lot of moments asking Him to help me do this with a clean conscience. Because if I can't, I should not be sharing the story at all!) I was old enough, wise enough, aware enough - whatever you call it:) - to know that there are multitudes of women who could have been a better wife than me. Obviously though, this is an unhealthy thing to pass on - whether with hints, or words - to someone that is in the covenant of  marriage. The insinuation stung.

The enemy doesn't miss a thing. Especially when it comes to our weaknesses. It's maddening. (insert cartoon face that is bright red with smoke coming out of the nose and angry eyebrows - and stomping the foot) You see, there was a time period, in the year before my hubs became a Christian especially, where I felt that I couldn't do much of anything right for him. (um, don't forget what I just said in the above paragraph. I do not share this to put him in a bad light. It is just truth about our story that I believe is beneficial to share. I will readily admit I made mistakes too.) It blindsided me and wore me down in a locust kind of way. I wish that I could say that I found my identity solely in Christ at that time. I wish I could say I rested and relied on and gained strength from Him with my whole heart. But it was not that way. I definitely had times where I rested in Him and was strengthened, but I was much like Leah in the Bible just as often. I worked to earn back my husband's favor. Interestingly enough, Leah herself came to the place where her soul found rest and rejoiced in God and focused on him instead of her husband. *Genesis 29 The very last verse of this chapter tells us so. But in the very next chapter *Genesis 30 she falls right back into the trap of desperately wanting her husband's approval. I definitely can identify with her struggle.
In my pain of not "fitting the bill as a wife" it was especially heartbreaking to me when I observed or felt my husband sharing a camaraderie with another woman, or was around another woman that I knew liked him more than me. I'm not talking about being hyper-sensitive all the time, possessive around my husband kind of knowing. I'm talking about the, I believe, God-given intuition that comes to us as women that alerts us to unhealthy actions of other women around our men that SHOULD be a red flag. In these situations, I tossed up and down over waves of anger, pity, trying to remind myself that it's probably not as bad as I perceive it to be, and trying to just simply get over it and be "brave". The enemy took advantage of my weaknesses. He really did. The locusts chewed away my self-worth and confidence.

Weeping remained for a night. That's for sure. In terms of what we call a night, it was "many moons". *Psalm 30:5

But You, Sovereign Lord,
help me for Your name's sake; 
out of the goodness of Your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, 
and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow.
I am shaken off like a locust.
*Psalm 109: 21-23

I will exalt you, Lord
for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, 
I called to You for help, and You healed me.
*Psalm 30 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, 
because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners; 

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

-Jesus *Isaiah 61:1 & 3a

It took time, but God came in a mighty way and Jesus brought healing. He bandaged my wounds and became my Wonderful Counselor . *Isaiah 9:6 He opened my eyes and He taught me good things. He gave me a new and wonderfully strong bond with my husband that was glued together through difficult circumstances.

You might be asking, "Why then, was God telling you that you needed more work done in this area?"

He's shown me that there is a difference between healing - and restoring. You see, if I was to stand looking out over a large piece of land that symbolized my life and I'd survey the different events that make up my story - when I'd look over to the field that contained the story of my self-worth and confidence as Ed's wife - at the beginning of this year I would have seen plants and trees that had still been stripped of their leaves and greenery. Yes, God had come and healed so much of me but in the word picture in my mind there wouldn't be lush vegetation and beautiful green trees. I had accepted the healing balm - but it's almost as if I had looked out over the years the locusts ate and said, "Thank you that I am not completely destroyed. In the locust invasion, you upheld me. I thank You for being faithful when I allowed myself to become discouraged and was not faithful in running to You. I thank You so much for what I have left in the other fields that make up my story. I will focus on those blessings now." When in fact, His desire has been to RESTORE that field. To where we open our hearts back up after the bandaging and healing in order for Him to GROW AN EVEN GREATER HARVEST THAN WHAT WAS IN THAT FIELD BEFORE THE DEVASTATION CAME. 

This past weekend I was in Ft. Wayne, IN for a live simulcast with Beth Moore. I had just in the last few weeks felt that I was coming full circle in this whole process and it was such an astounding blessing to me to hear Him confirm what I felt I had learned this year - all throughout the conference, over and over. We stood for one of the final times of worship and in what has often become a part of my own personal way to worship, I closed my eyes for a moment. It helps me to focus on Him rather than on anyone or anything else. There are several ways that God chooses to speak into my life, and one of them has been through a picture in my mind. We began to sing and in my heart I offered gratitude to Him for both the things revealed to me from His Word over the course of the day, as well as the confirmations - through the words of a godly speaker of the truth - of what He had been teaching me over the course of the year. The image came. I will describe it the best that I can, and perhaps instead of me in the picture, I actually hope that you will see yourself.

I was walking directly down a path in the middle of a field and on both sides of me was growing beautiful golden grain, ripe for harvest, to heights well above my head. The sun was setting with beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow behind a man standing at the end of the path. His arms were open wide, waiting for me, and as I drew closer I looked into the smiling face of Jesus. I also remember a flock of birds taking flight on either side of me in beautiful formation as I got closer to Him.

It lasted for a moment, but the image is etched into my mind and makes me smile because it so beautifully describes what I'm trying to relay to all of you. It wasn't a field of "the locusts were here, and I'm glad I made it through their visit", but rather it was a field with growth so high only our mighty God could have restored it. I hope this is all making some sense?

We have to do our part too, though.

What did He ask of me?

1. That I humble myself. This was true of the Israelites too. He tells King Solomon in *2 Chronicles 7:13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people…" (wait for it…drum roll, please…)
"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." *2 Chronicles 7:14
For me that meant humbling myself enough to allow Him to finish His work without putting it on the back burner. Such as, when a situation came up where I felt the prick, instead of thinking "You're overreacting" or "I'll deal with my feelings later" and then forgetting to do that, or not taking the time - I met them head on and intentionally worked to die to myself by asking God to help me let go of past regrets or untrue thoughts.  (To me, the birds taking flight in my mental picture speak to that) We have GOT to learn to speak life into our minds to complete the new growth. We HAVE to. If I was in the middle of a conversation or an interaction with another person, including my husband, there were many times that my plea to God was a quick cry from my heart by thinking these words in my mind:

The years the locusts have eaten. Restore them.

Humbling myself also meant (and still means) honoring my husband and others above myself. *Romans 12:10 By putting his needs as a priority (and no, it has not been done perfectly). By praying for those that hurt me with their actions and words. (You know what else? Honoring others above ourselves doesn't mean that we neglect ourselves and become doormats with no boundaries. Don't forget that);) Humbling myself meant trusting God when I opened my heart back up, that His will and what He allows to come into my life would be trustworthy and good and true even if it meant being hurt by others again.

2) That I admit I could use more help. Sometimes what we've known for so long  - our normal responses, our normal reactions, our normal actions - when unhealthy - aren't painful enough nor do they feel unhealthy enough for us to feel the need to change them. The floodgates of His wisdom, when I intentionally asked Him to help me, were poured out in abundance.

3) That I confess my own sins. *Psalm 66:18 *Acts 3:19

As I think about my own circumstances I've described, I can't help but be aware of the fact that there are many of you that have experienced FAR more difficult circumstances than I when the locusts descended onto your field. I will admit to you that I don't completely understand why God allows certain people to be brought through such devastating places. These things, though, I do know: that He weeps with us in the pain and that He can restore any amount of devastation and turn it into a beautiful harvest.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. *Psalm 126:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding… *Proverbs 3:5

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. *Psalm 71:14

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. *1 Chronicles 16:11

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; 
…but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. *Psalm 37:5, 6, 7a, 9b

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you… *Psalm 55:22

He waits. He waits with outstretched arms to receive us into His presence. Come as you are.

(Crowder sings a beautiful song called Come As You Are. I have played it countless times since I found it. Listen to it. Seriously. Click on the link. You won't regret it) :)

And when the locusts unexpectedly come into your life and descend upon your fields, run to Him. For the duration - run to Him.

Jules

[the mr.]

2006: I'm grocery shopping at Meijer. In the parking lot I pass a man (who from now on will be labeled Mr.) that has worked there for as long as I can remember. He brings carts in from the parking lot. I think to myself, "He always looks kinda sad... and well, empty. He also often looks like he's in a daze - like outside of work, he may play a lot of video games - such as Dungeons and Dragons, or other such creepy games..." The Holy Spirit surprises me by whispering, "Why don't you pray for him?" I'm at a particular time in my life where God's Spirit is moving a lot and I'm growing in so many ways. But still, it feels like an odd request. Even so, I pray for the man's soul. And over the next several years - off and on - I continue to offer up little prayers for the man when I see him. At times I wonder if I really heard correctly or if it was maybe just a one time deal. 'Cause I tend to be a doubting Thomas.  

2012: It's fall. I've joined a women's Bible study at church and we are going through the gospel of John. As part of the curriculum and what Kay Arthur is teaching us, there is a small interview that has room for you to write down the answers from three different people to questions about what they believe about God, Jesus, eternity, etc. It is there as a helpful tool to aid in speaking to others about the gospel message (especially to those that are intimidated by doing so) and meant to provide an opportunity to survey people (especially those that you don't know well) in a non-threatening way - with the hopes that they will be receptive to you, responding back with questions about why they don't believe/have a distorted belief in God, and/or will hear your testimony. Several women have used it and are beginning to have the opportunity to speak to the same person more than once. It is such a blessing to see God work. It's not a required assignment. And, I still have interviewed no one on the last day of the Bible study. I head to Meijer for groceries after I'm done at the church and drive across the front of the store to the side labeled "Groceries." As I pass the other entrance I notice Mr. sitting out front on a bench, clearly on a break. I glance over at my Bible Study book laying on the passenger seat as my heart begins to beat at a faster pace. "Interview the Mr.", I hear the Holy Spirit whisper. "Sigh, I so knew that was coming", I think to myself... and for a few moments while I find a parking space, I wrestle with the thought (ONCE AGAIN, you know me...) that maybe I didn't hear that one quite right?!?, but my heart pounds faster, and I can't deny what God is asking of me in this moment - when I just would like some food to put in my cupboards... 
I walk up to the Mr. I am SO nervous. I don't know that I would have been quite as nervous if it was anyone else. I tell him that I have an assignment for a class I'm taking, and wonder if he'd be willing to answer a few questions?? all while trying to keep my hands from visibly shaking. Sure, he doesn't mind doing that. I listen to his answers and I realize he definitely is not a believer. I didn't feel in that moment that I needed to talk to him further about his answers, so I thank him for his time and take my binder back to my car. 

2013: It is the first of the year and I have continued to offer up prayers for Mr. since my interview with him. And yes, it still feels a little bizarre. An older couple in our small group at church has been sharing with us how God has led various people into their lives since they've been married and I am both blessed and challenged by their testimonies of speaking to people when the Holy Spirit prompts them - as they have had opportunities to share God's love with them and even see them come to accept Christ as their personal Savior. One particular night as we are sharing prayer requests I realize that I need to ask that they pray for Mr. I have never told anyone about my urges to pray for this man up until now, and as I'm vulnerable in sharing with them, the man that has blessed us with his stories of listening to the Holy Spirit now keeps me 100% accountable and asks me on a regular basis if I've felt the need to talk to Mr. :) For months I smile and tell him, "I saw him this week, yes, but didn't feel prompted to talk with him." I begin to wonder if for some reason, I'm simply meant to just pray for his salvation.

2013: Late summer. I have not had the swell-est of mornings and I am in more of a hurry than usual as well as I find a place to park at Meijer and hope to quickly get in and out before it's time to pick up my son at school. I get out of my vehicle and walk through the rows of cars to head to the grocery-side entrance of the store. I look up and see Mr. walking down the main aisle of the parking lot as he comes to gather carts. I don't know what prompted me, but I looked around and realized there wasn't another soul in sight - which for the Meijer parking lot is unusual. As I'm walking through the cars towards the aisle he's coming down I realize he is turning and will walk right past me. My first thought is, "You're going to ask me to..." I didn't even finish my train of thought when He pipes up: "Talk to the man and tell him that I love him." Me: "This is SO not a good time. Bad day for me so far. I don't want to talk to someone I don't know!" Him: "Talk to him." I PROMISE you, I came within a millimeter of saying OUT LOUD an adamant, "NO!"
But I didn't. Because, well, I do have a little common sense and self control...but believe me, I was screaming it in my mind.
You guessed it. I walked right past him and did not say a word. 
It would be hard for me to describe how bad I felt as I walked into Meijer. I couldn't help but think, "I'm such a LOSER."
I walk halfway through that grocery store with a knot in my stomach before I surrendered and told God, "I'm so sorry. How COWARDLY. If you will have faith in me one more time, and you REALLY want me to talk to Mr., give me a second chance." Not more than five minutes later I see Mr. and one of his co-workers walking down one of the main aisles to the back of the store and I feel so discouraged. They're obviously going on break and I'm getting close to being done shopping. I don't think I'm going to get my second chance. 
I walk to the front of the store. Once again, I've chosen the checkout lane that looks the speediest (because I'm in a hurry, remember?) but turns out to be the slowest. And yes, when I figure out this mystery, I will let you in on the solution. I FINALLY get the last bag into my cart, tell the cashier to have a nice day, and turn - just in time to see Mr. about 15 ft. away from me. Folding up boxes to recycle in an employee hallway. All. By. His. Lonesome. Self. I do not remember clearly, but I'm pretty sure my first thought, before I could even take it captive, was: "Oh....crap." ;) But in that same moment I realize how good God is. How utterly long suffering and patient He is with us. He's given me a second opportunity. 

And I take it.

Me: "Hi."
Mr.: "Hi."
Me: "I don't know if you remember me, but you answered some questions for me a long time ago?"
Mr.: "Yeah, I remember you..."
Me: "_______________________________________________"
Honestly, I don't remember what all I said. That may sound dorky, but my nerves were on full alert and all I could think was that I couldn't believe I was doing what I was doing. I do remember telling him that God loves him and that if he ever needs a church, he was welcome at ours.     

And then I realize it's getting a little awkward for him and I just want to say that it is really, really awkward for me too - but I let him walk away.

And then, I am flooded with a peace that truly passes all understanding. *Philippians 4:7 My heart truly floods with joy and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I never talk to Mr. again, I can rest knowing that I listened to my Heavenly Father. That I had been tested, and been found faithful in this moment. So much joy I felt. I loaded my groceries into the car, climbed into the passenger seat, and called the man from our group. I remember telling him what peace and joy I had as he rejoiced with me. And then I hung up. And then the doubts and accusations come. "Well, that was one of the dorkiest things you've ever done." "You didn't even make any sense." "He's probably thinking you are ca-raaaazy ladyyyyy." "What if he's a creep-o to whom you really shouldn't be talking to?" "What if he finds out where you live?" And for a few moments I agree with those doubts. What was I thinking?! Wait. Stop. I recognize the enemy and I remind myself that in my weakness God is strong *2 Corinthians 12:10 and that He can take my bumbling and use it. I leave it in His hands.

April 20, 2014: I have not talked to Mr. since that day. I haven't felt prompted to. There was that one time this past winter that I was walking into the store busy bringing up my grocery list on my phone, when I look up just in time to see Mr. quickly put his head down and pull the hood on his sweatshirt as far down over his face as he possible could. I feel a twinge of guilt as I thought, "See, I have completely ruined this man's opinion of Christians. He thinks I'm loony", before I remind myself again that when I am weak, He is strong. I say a little prayer for Mr. and I leave him in His more than capable hands. Then I can't help but grin a little at Mr.'s desperate attempt to quickly hide himself from me.

Back to reality: It's going on 8 years that I first felt the prompt to pray for Mr.
I had never before experienced such a burden for the soul of someone I didn't know at all. Sure, I have prayed for the salvation of family and friends for years, but never a complete stranger. Honestly, it still feels a little strange at times. But this experience has slowly changed me and taught me good lessons. 

We have the Message. The only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life *John 14:6 dwells within us and cries out for us to share the Good News. To show the world there is hope and salvation and freedom from sin available. 

I'm going to assume that if you are reading this, you have at least one person on this earth that you can call friend. (If not, my goodness, my heart bleeds for you! May He provide you with a true friend.) I'm also going to assume that you are aware that there was a polar vortex this past winter. (i.e. it creates a most brutal of winters! At least in the Midwest.) One more story: I was at Meijer (yes! I go there a lot! hehe) one day this past winter and the parking lot was particularly icy and covered in snow. I was almost to the doors when I heard a cry for help. To someone called Owen, Loren - or similar - I couldn't quite make the name out. I turned around to see a Meijer employee sitting flat on the ground with his legs straight out in front of him, holding up his arm for whomever he had hollered to. I turned further to see that it was the Mr. to whom he had called. They are both very heavy-set people. I don't say that to put them down - I only want to explain why he didn't get up on his own. Mr. reached down with both hands and helped him to his feet. In that moment I felt God give me a picture of the verses that are in *Ecclesiastes 4.

⁸ There was a man all alone;
    he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
    “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
    a miserable business!

⁹ Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up! 

 

I felt Him whisper to my soul, "There are so many who have fallen. So many who are sitting flat on the ground stuck in their sin and unbelief and no one has offered a helping hand and shared with them how to rise up and walk in new life." It was ironic to me that day that it was Mr. that helped him up. I walked into Meijer praying a little prayer that Mr. would someday surrender and believe in the One and Only. That he would accept the hand of the Creator who formed him and made him. The only hand that can raise him up.

 

This past week I read on the news that the vice principal of the South Korean high school who was rescued from a sinking ferry full of his students was found hanged to death. It broke my heart. I found myself wondering if anyone had shared with him the message of hope. Did he have a friend of Jesus that at least told him about the man that died for him so that he could have eternal life? Had he heard it but refused to believe in that hope and allowed despair to swallow him? It made me angry at the enemy. He loves to see people destroyed and wiped out. Sitting ducks if you will - flat on the ground with no one to help them up.  

 

I've felt God asking me to share my experiences with all of you now, and I challenge you today. I challenge you to rethink your timidity towards sharing the gospel. Maybe you don't struggle to speak to others about Christ, even complete strangers. (Who are just trying to do their job at the grocery store.);) If so, may God continue to give you boldness, wisdom, and guidance!! But for those of you  - like me - to whom it can rattle the nerves just a bit when you think of all the things that could go wrong and the answers that you might not know when you speak to others about Christ, I challenge you climb out of the boat *Matthew 14:22-33 and at least begin to keep your eyes open to the people around you. To at least keep your ears open for the sound of His prompting. To some, it's going to evoke a similar response of fear that the disciples felt when they thought that Jesus was a ghost *vs. 26 ;)but keep your eyes on Jesus, don't look down, and trust Him. I picture the first time that God asked me to say something to Mr. in the parking lot where I flat out refused, as my time of looking around at the crashing waves and hearing the howling winds as Peter did. We're not going to get it right every time. I hope that comes as an encouragement to you.

 

Truthfully, I may never talk to Mr. again. (I'm comfortable with that. hehe) I may never find out if he accepted Christ. It may have just been God teaching me lessons on relying on Him to be my voice, or Him testing my obedience. But, I DO want to be ready if God needs me to help Mr., or another soul up off the ground. I sure would be happy to have you as a companion.

 

I am resolved in this. These can be added to my resolution verses in opening my heart to His work: (see previous post)

 

*Isaiah 6:8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

 

*I Samuel 3:10 The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak. For your servant is listening."

 

God, you know my timid heart. It really can be easier to pray for someone's salvation and hope that someone else more equipped will share with them, rather than speaking to them ourselves. But, you have asked us to go and make disciples. Unveil my eyes to the opportunities that You present to me. Uncover my ears to hear Your voice prompting me. Please God, give me Your words. Thank you for using weakness. Make me strong in You. Help me to live radically for You - to trust Your voice no matter how bizarre Your requests may feel.

 

Thank you God for friends. Bless my friends who are reading this now. Bless them with hands that reach out to lift those who have fallen. Give us the grace to persevere in prayer and in speaking to those who still sit in darkness, when they won't accept Your love and forgiveness. When they refuse to believe. For until the very moment they breathe their last breath, they are worth fighting for. Increase in our hearts a burden for lost souls. 

 

Happy Easter dear friend. He is RISEN! Go and share the good news with those that sit flat on the ground and need a friend to reach them with the good news. (Don't be surprised if there is one sitting on the ground needing help where you shop for your groceries.)

 

Jules

      

resolved [01]

Maybe you've been around them too. Whether it's actually true or not, you can feel that they think they know more than you, or are simply better than you at something... - or all things, for that matter. I'm not sure I've ever heard of anyone that enjoys that kind of company. Usually people just react.

• by being annoyed
• with sarcasm
• anger
• ignoring the "bester"
• pitting it back on them
• feeling hurt
• lowered self-esteem
• gossip (I just accidentally typed "goosip." That strikes me a little funny. Like, as in a goose that can't keep it's mouth shut, or a goose that has to purse it's lips in order to sip...) *rabbit trail *keeping things light is good every once in awhile
• etc.

There are many who are better than me. That's the truth.

Can clean better than me. Can organize better than me. Are better at being a mom than me. Are more disciplined than me. Prioritize better than me. Are prettier than me. Are more creative than I am. You can name just about anything, really. In general, it doesn't really bother me when other people are better than me at something. I can't say I've NEVER felt the sting of someone letting me know I don't quite measure up, but overall it's not something I struggle with.

What does hit me every once in awhile though, is the frustration and/or discouragement I feel when my weaknesses blare loudly. Particularly when I know that my family is disappointed in me. They are such important people in my life and it's hard for me to swallow when I've let them down. (some of that is pride, I know) I do fully understand that we all make mistakes, yes. But I'm talking more about when I simply know better - know I should be using self-discipline and working on my weaknesses through His strength. It was the first week in January 2014 and I was cleaning. I don't enjoy cleaning. I'm just going to put that out there right now. :) I have a dear friend that has told me cleaning is something she would choose to do when she has free time/down time. She loves it. Um, what?!? I'm not there. :) (Truthfully though, I have prayed for God to help me find more joy in taking care of the home He has blessed us with. I'm still a work in progress. Heehee) I'm not saying I have never made a New Years' resolution, but I for sure can't remember the last time I made one. While I love the feeling of a fresh start, it has seemed kind of futile for me to suddenly make a commitment or wish to do something for 365 straight days. I guess I know my humanness all too well.

Back to the cleaning. I was discouraged. I had had a week where I felt my weaknesses blaring and my husband had let me know that he noticed as well. In general I'm pretty hard on myself, so sometimes I look back on moments like that and I realize not always is my self-scrutiny, or someone else's scrutiny of me valid, but the combination of the truth about my weaknesses and any unnecessary beating up of myself was very real as I went from room to room ridding them of dust and dirt. It's difficult for me not to imagine He's fed-up with me too when I'm in that mode. I was in our bathroom when I felt Him speak over me. "I love you in spite of yourself. I love you in your weakness. I'm willing to be your strength. I know you inside and out." *Hebrews 4:13

Psalm 139
1. You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.
2. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
3. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
4. Before a word is on my tongue You, Lord, know it completely.
5. You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

He whispered, "There is no one who can be you, better than YOU."

For the first time in forever, I was resolved. I had a New Year's resolution:

To open my heart so wide in the coming year that He has the most free reign possible to make me the best me that I can be.

I realize I can't really know what all that resolution will bring me through or what it may look like, but I wanted to do my part to begin the process. One of the most powerful things I have learned to do in my prayer life is to pray scripture over myself and those I am praying for. The word of God is living, active, and sharp. *Hebrews 4:12 It only makes sense that it works so powerfully when we claim and pray the perfect Truth into our lives.

I turned 40 on my last birthday. (One of my first thoughts was, "Wow, if I was an Israelite, I'd just now be leaving the desert and preparing to enter the Promised Land." That is astounding to me. I think of all I've done, everywhere I've been, and everything I've done in my lifetime, and I think: That's a long time!) I decided to begin opening my heart by compiling a list of at least 40 scriptures that I could begin to pray - requests and invites for Him to begin moving in me. I've felt Him wanting me to share some - maybe all of them eventually - with you, so this post will include the start of them.

• Hebrews 4:16 "Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." This for me, was the perfect starting point. I still have much to learn about grace. It is one of the truly beautiful and amazing things about God and Christianity.

God, I'm asking You today for confidence. First of all, for confidence to remember that You are able to empathize with ALL my weaknesses, *Hebrews 4:15 and that Your grace covers my sin. That when I come to You in confession, You will not fail to forgive. *Psalm 51:17 But most of all, I feel I need the confidence that comes from knowing that letting You have control of my heart will result in my life being filled with contentment, peace, and joy - and not emptiness and disappointment from what I let go of. Even in the painful pruning and self-discipline that this will include, I want that confidence to remain. Yes, even in these. It's so hard for us as human beings to fully relinquish. Well, at least for me - as much as I don't want to admit it.  

• Exodus 33:18 "Then Moses said, ""Now show me Your glory.""

God, it's always good to be reminded of Your glory. Please keep it active and present in my life - for it keeps us humble, it keeps us encouraged as we see Your power and might, it keeps a healthy, reverent fear of You in our life.

• Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

God, I want to remain humble. Please perfect Your love in me that I might be devoted to others because of it. I ask You to remind me to honor others above me. To show me how to honor others above, me. I do not want to honor them above You, though, for that is the most dangerous of games. It is idolatry. "Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between." Remove the people idols from my life.

• Romans 12:9 "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."

God, I ask You to show me how to truly bold in hating evil. I ask that You would help me to recognize it quickly. Help me not to rationalize it in any way in my own life, but help me instead to understand how far it is from Your character and how offensive it is to You, for then I will not want to delight in it. *I Corinthians 13:6 Cultivate sincere love in me that I might boldly stand for and declare Your truth - like a tree with deep, deep roots *Psalm 1:1-3 - no matter the cost.

• Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry."
• Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."  

God, thanks. A sincere thank you for Your patience. I understand that 2014 will NOT be the year that I finally live perfectly. It will not be the year that I completely "get my act together" because I have made this resolution. But, what I do want to ask of You is that You will keep me in step with You in this process - that really, should be a lifelong resolution. I may get impatient with the moments when it seems I'll never learn. I may get impatient because I'm tired of learning more fully to let go of my flesh. I may get impatient because, well, I don't "feel" like You're working or speaking to me. Let me not run ahead of You, or lag behind. Please make me fully aware of when I have let go of Your hand - for You do not let go of ours. *Hebrews 13:5

The more that I've been thinking about what it means to begin intentionally opening my heart to Him, I've realized that if I do my part, my life will inevitably reflect Him - godliness will increase in my life. You know, as hard as it can be to let go of self - I would not want ANYONE else molding me and making me. No one. Deep down I know that He will be kind and good and generous. That whatever discipline He brings into my life is not for His own weird satisfaction or enjoyment, but out of love for me. *Proverbs 3:11-12 Last week is when the word "godliness" popped into my mind in reference to the fruit that would come out of all of this, and these thoughts hit me right between the eyes: His word says that "godliness with contentment is great gain." *I Timothy 6:6 (yes, this verse is on my list, along with the request that He fill me with contentment) The verse does speak to the fact that godliness can be present without much contentment. But, if my relationship with Christ is the source of my godliness, in my humble opinion, it WILL contain contentment. I've observed plenty of people in my lifetime who have the "godliness" down pat, but their lives do not speak of contentment which is sad, really. There are many who need eyes and hearts opened to the fact that their godliness has come from "doing" and not from a heart-change from the Master. Perhaps we've been godly because our image is at stake. Our reputation is at stake. Our godliness comes from the motivation to please people. Our motivation comes from living with legalism. Our godliness comes from complacency and simply going through the motions as a Christian. We lose our contentment when we look ANYWHERE else, but to the author and finisher of our faith. *Hebrews 12:2 When we look elsewhere we become envious and jealous. We compare "their "life (whomever that may be) against our life. Their success against ours. We become discontent with allowing Jesus to receive the glory. We want more of us and less of Him. We become more judgmental. We feel empty. We want more "things." May He give us wisdom to understand the source of our own discontentment.

Inevitably, I get tested in the days and weeks that follow one of my blog posts. God is just simply faithful in making sure we are who we say we are. *le sigh ;) It makes me want to procrastinate in sharing on here, I'll admit. Obviously, the testing from God is a good thing. We also have an enemy who tests. (Bah humbug) He doesn't let me alone either. He will do everything he can to make so I don't have time, energy, or determination to lay my heart wide open before my God. He's just simply an angry being who wants me to fail. *I Peter 5:8 Be alert, friend. And keep me accountable too, ok!?

*II Thessalonians 3:3 "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one."

Happy New Year in February to you! I dare you today, tomorrow, or sometime in the very near future, to stand in front of your mirror and allow yourself to smile. To smile, because He made you. To smile, because He made no one like you. To smile, because He delights in you and is willing to enable you to be the best you that you can possibly be. To smile, because He compares you to no one and wants you to be content. I need to do the same.

Jules