a [maundy thursday] death sentence

In the beginning, a man and a woman were exiled from a garden because of their choices.

Approximately 2,500 years ago, a group of people were exiled from their homes because of their choices.

In Jeremiah 29, a letter is recorded that was sent from the One who knew their ending from the beginning, to the surviving exiles. He told them their fate, and He also gave them a special promise. That He would come to them and bring them back to the place they had been exiled from  - in His time.

He also told them that while they were waiting to go home, they needed to make better choices in whom they trusted to represent Him and His words.

In many other passages He also commanded them not to replace Him as God, with idols that are anyone or anything.

2,000 years ago a perfect man made the choice to die a cruel death for me - for you - so that I wouldn't have to be permanently exiled from my true home. (spoiler alert: He came back to life!):)

44 years ago I was born with a choice whether or not to confess and believe Him as Lord and receive this gift of eternal life. *Romans 10:9, *John 3:16

On May 29th, 1984 I made that choice. (Which is, incidentally, my mom's birthday. She liked her birthday present. ;)) The most important decision a person will ever make. It determined my final home.

Since then, I've had 33, almost 34 years, of daily choices that affect my life and the lives of those around me. In good ways or bad.

I have wandered through America's marketplaces filled with idols, as they are part of living on planet earth. You cannot live on earth without walking through idol marketplaces. The enemy has them everywhere. As I've looked, some idols I have never picked up because one look at them and I was repulsed. Many times, I have picked up idols to see what they were all about. Some I have set right back down because they quickly disgusted me or hurt my hand, and I knew immediately I did not want to own them. Some I have held for a little while, rolling them around in my hand, seeing how they felt. But it didn't take long to realize they were harmful too because the more they rolled around, I felt the familiar splinters and razor sharp edges that reveal them for what they are - and I set them down quickly. And I head back home to my God because I want to honor Him and His command to keep Him as Lord of my life. Good choices.

And then there are the times I have gathered and received good gifts that come from my God who wants to bless me as His child. I have come home blessed with family, relationships, basic needs, and beautiful things. Good things that He wants me to enjoy and I'm so grateful for them. But, the next thing I know I have begun to carry them around too much.
I don't leave them in their proper place and I begin to make the choice that I can't live without them in my hand. And so I begin to carry them with me everywhere. I decide that it's ok to carry them everywhere because they are a gift from my God and He wants me to have them.

I carry them with me to the marketplace filled with idols. And as I'm wandering, I slowly notice that there are tables that actually offer what I'm holding in my hand. I wonder why I haven't noticed them before? These idols actually look far more pleasing than the ones I've walked away from before. They aren't as ugly, they aren't as harmful. Something tells me I need to stop looking and touching, but it is so beautiful and is an image of something good that my God has given me, and so I linger. And then I feel the draw to come back and look at them again the next day. I feel a caution, but I make the choice that it's not anything that's harmful.
And I come back the next day. And the next. I feel a caution, but I decide again it's just not that harmful. This time I don't go back home to my God. I decide it's ok to stay here for a night. And it's ok, because I have along the gift my God has given me and it will remind me of Him even though I'm not spending time with Him for a day and a night. I go home the next day and I do spend time with my God, but I find myself thinking about His gift while He's talking to me and not concentrating on what He's trying to tell me. I'm thinking so much about the gift that I make the choice to stay at the marketplace more than a day and a night when I go back the next time. I stay a week. I feel my God calling me back to Him during the week that I'm staying at the marketplace, and I miss Him, but I'm starting to make friends who share my love for the gift I keep bringing along with me when I come and I think surely He would be happy for me to be able to spend time with my gift and my new friends.

I make choices slowly, until one day I realize what I'm carrying in my hand everyday is no longer His gift, but it is now an ugly idol that I have crafted with the help of the world's marketplace holder, the enemy. I have wasted time and money and emotion. And I have set it as more important than my God on the throne of my heart. (If you want to read a good description of how an idol can deceive, read *Isaiah 44: 9-20)

Not good choices.  

I come home, ashamed and embarrassed, to my God and He asks me, "Are you willing to lay down your gift and carry it around no longer? Set it aside until it no longer is ruling your life? Let me reshape it into a gift and not a consuming god?"

Like, last week He asked me.

I realized God was asking me to recognize that a good gift from Him was becoming dangerously close to becoming an idol in my life. For a time I tried to reason that it wasn't that bad. Bad choice. But I knew, deep down it was true. I also tried to convince myself for a little bit that I could discipline myself and do with less of it, which is usually a temptation for me as well when I sense He's asking me to give something up completely. Most of the time, when I feel God asking me to lay something down, if it's a material thing, He asks me to physically "fast" from it for awhile, not just do with less of it - for good reason. Something I don't buy, something I don't eat or drink, etc. People are obviously more difficult, especially if it is a family member that you live with. :) But, He has also been faithful in showing me how to bring people down to their proper place in my life as well. It's just in a different way.

I'm so thankful He's willing to stop us when we're headed down a path that leads to another god.

I said yes to Him.

Good choice.

As I was pondering and asking when He would like me to start, I felt the Holy Spirit open my eyes to Maundy Thursday. The day we use to commemorate the night before Jesus was crucified - when He told His disciples that He was going to die. The significance of destroying a gift that was becoming an idol and putting it to death on the same day that Jesus announced His, felt so right.

I don't tell people when I'm fasting normally. Whether it's from food or other. It's such a personal thing that I don't believe needs to be made known. Which is why I'm not sharing the what and how long. But, I have felt very strongly that I'm supposed to share this story from my life. I also know from experience that I don't feel good when I don't listen. And so I leave it here for Him to do with it what He wills.

I have the privilege of sitting at a table with some older ladies that I have come to love dearly at a Bible study I attend every week. A couple of months ago I asked them if it becomes easier to not be enticed by idols as one grows older (but young at heart);). I love to hear their insight and wisdom and personal experiences. My friend Pat said, "It doesn't really become easier, no. It's just that what tempts you changes.'

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
 Prone to leave the God I love.

 Here's my heart, oh take and seal it.
 Seal it for Thy courts above."

We all feel it.

And so I run to Him. I tell Him my idols need to die. In honor of His death, I let Him reveal to me what they are and with His help I carry out their death sentence.

I bow down before Him because of the choice He made 2,000 years ago that made a way for me, for you, to be ready for Him when He comes for us - in His time. When He comes back to take us to be where He is.

Exiles no longer. Home.

I bow down before Him because I am humbled that He rose from the dead and He LIVES and He wants me to come and be with Him.

"Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked." *Psalm 84:10

The tents of the wicked. Those blasted idol marketplaces. :( I'm choosing to die to myself and leave them today.

The splendor of His majesty is beyond compare.

I so hope you'll choose to join me in His courts,  

Jules












 

 

treasured and pondered [changes]

You cannot read the gospels without being struck by the fact that it didn't matter who was around Jesus when He was on this earth - everyone who was in His presence was affected in some way or another. Some people fell to their knees in reverence. Some people became angry. Some people rejoiced like they had never rejoiced before at the miracles of healing they experienced. Some people's minds became consumed with hatred to the point of plotting His death. He produced a reaction wherever He went.

His name is still making waves in people's hearts and minds. Amen and Amen.


For 18 years and 8 months I have been a mama. (Um, what?!?) 18 years and 8 months ago I brought forth my firstborn child. For 18 years and 8 months, my mama heart has been treasuring up moments with and of my kids. I still remember vividly several months after my oldest was born, it hitting me HARD the responsibility God had entrusted to me. When you're newly married the thought of having kids someday is such an exciting thing - at least it was for me. I was still excited, but the reality had hit me. I held an eternal soul. The thought hit me that my husband and I could spend years teaching Whitney of God and His Word and she may someday reject Him. Walk away. Decide it wasn't for her. It's the kind of thought that makes a mama run - RUN - to Jesus.

As long as I've been a mother, I still don't feel adequate in giving parenting advice. Motherhood for me has been a conglomeration of grace, unknowns, exhaustion, joy beyond measure, tears, apologies, days that feel nothing short of perfection and even more imperfect days, and more grace. But, I will share freely and adamantly that I would not, could not have survived, cannot survive now, without prayer. As a mother, you DO have time to pray for your children. In every season, pray boldly and do. not. give. up. That is my one piece of advice. I have run to Him for 18 years and 8 months. I have asked Him for wisdom. I have asked Him for strength when I was exhausted. I have asked Him to heal my kids' hurting hearts. I have asked Him to circumcise my kids' hearts (*Deuteronomy 30:6) so that they will love Him with a whole heart. I've prayed that their roots will go deep in Him - that no matter what they go through, their faith will remain unshakeable. I have asked Him to protect them from an enemy that wants nothing but to steal, kill, and destroy them. So many things, I have prayed about so many things for my kids.
Years ago, as they began to get older and more independent I began to pray that God would expose them. Expose anything they were going through. Expose anything they were struggling with. Expose anything they were trying to hide. Expose it all so that we could help them through it. (Which by the way - produces even more prayer as a mama - a prayer for WISDOM);) I can't say that I've prayed it consistently, but I will say God has answered this particular prayer mightily. And I can attest to the fact that in my weakness and inadequacies, His grace has been sufficient when I haven't always known how to perfectly help them. Glory be to Him.

Last winter we were getting ready to start a bible study at church on the life of Jesus. In the weeks before it started, as I was anticipating the study it hit me in my quiet time one day how there was no one who could be around Jesus as He walked this earth without it impacting them strongly. I'm not going to be dogmatic and say that there was definitely no one who remained indifferent when they met Jesus, but Scripture strongly suggests to me that His presence made an impact. Whether it was negative and revealed the darkness of a human heart, or positive and revealed Jesus as the Son of God in all of His glory. He met them in the day to day, not just on the Sabbath as so many Christians live today, being "Sunday Christians" that wake up Monday morning and seem to forget who they belong to. I thought to myself, "I don't want my family to be anywhere close to "Sunday Christians". I want us to live like we know that Jesus is present everywhere we are, ESPECIALLY in our home. I want it to make a huge impact in how we respond to each other (hello, sibling rivalry. hehe), what we watch and listen to and read, etc., I want His presence to bring peace in the stresses of life, and healing to what's hurting our hearts because we're FULLY AWARE of His presence. Because His presence makes an impact. Always. Jesus interrupted and changed people's everyday routines. He met them every day of the week. I wanted our family to be interrupted every day of the week. Because when we're not, we get comfortable. And comfortable can be a weak spot for the enemy to be quite happy with.

I was already aware of a struggle that my son was going through and had been aware of the fact that I really felt like it was the enemy picking on him.
Let me tell you, as a mother, if you want to see me rise up like a mama bear, draw my sword,  ready to swing and fight hard, it's when I sense the enemy attacking my kids. It makes me madder than a hornet. So, I cling to the power of God and the mighty name of Jesus, plead to God, and fight on their behalf in prayer.
With all of this in mind, I decided to begin praying boldly that Jesus would make us fully aware of His presence. That He would expose us in a new way so that we might be changed, in whatever way He knew we needed.

In a way, it felt like all hell broke loose soon after I began praying that prayer.

I'm old enough to recognize the enemies tactics against me (well, most of the time) and let me tell you, apparently he wasn't happy with my prayer. I had a rough week that week and felt the oppression and he was persistent. Thankfully, I have a praying mother and father and my mom told me God had laid me on her heart that week. I'm also so thankful my God is far more powerful than our enemy that seeks to destroy us. I didn't back down and persisted in praying my bold prayers. Not all of the "all hell broke loose" was just the enemy, but was also God answering my prayer. I don't feel the need to share details, but God has been faithful in keeping things out in the open and not bottled up and hidden in darkness - even the "small things".

You know what, though? Guess who the first person I noticed Him dealing with first was?... Yeah, me. And really quickly. *sigh*

And it continues. Like just two weeks ago. Have you ever felt like you've worked through forgiveness, only to have one situation - ONE - pop up and suddenly you're basically blind sighted by the emotions and reactions that come flying out of you in response? If you have, then you know what happened to me that day.  I literally thought, "Have I learned absolutely nothing in the past years?!? What even is all this?!?" I was so frustrated with my response.

Just a little earlier in the week I had come across this quote that I had written down a year or two ago and stuffed in my office drawer:

"The people who hurt you or cause pain are actually gift bearers. They offer an opportunity for you to see where you need healing for a sensitive, weak spot in your life." (I don't remember where I found it, and I usually write down the author when it's available so apparently this one didn't have a name to it.)

I have to confess it took me 2 days to actually sit and take the time to tell God I needed help once again, after just stewing about it in my mind. (that's kind of embarrassing to type) :/ But, I had been in town getting groceries and wanted to stop at Super Wal-Mart yet before I headed home to look for a certain flavor in k-cups for my oldest at college that I hadn't been able to find elsewhere. Somewhere along the way, between Meijer and Super Wal-Mart - which are probably somewhere between a 1/2 mile to a mile apart, a dam burst. I sat for a minute or two in the Wal-Mart parking lot thinking I'd get myself pulled together in a minute and finish my last errand, but it never happened. I finally left for home, figuring k-cups could wait. I let myself cry as hard as I needed to, especially when I got home. (Driving and crying hard don't make for a great safety feature. hehe) I went to a recliner in our living room and I simply said, "Help." "Please help." I picked up my Bible and opened it to *Lamentations 2 and began reading. Starting at verse 13, these words jumped out at me: "What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?" I kept reading as verses later in the chapter spoke to me as well: *Lamentation 2:18 "The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. O wall of the Daughter of Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; *Lamentations 2:19 "...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children..."

And so I broke down the wall I place around my heart and told Him all about it once again. I let my tears flow and I let the words come and flow. I poured out my heart like water. My circumstances are nowhere NEAR the pain that the book of Lamentations addresses, but I knew God was using those words to teach me in my own reactions and hurt feelings too.  Part of the reason I hesitated in bringing all of it to Him was, first of all, is I'm just tired of the wound being there. Tired of it producing a reaction.  I just want it to all go away, you know? The second reason was that I knew that my inward response was an overreaction and that God would be dealing with that too. My pride didn't feel like being reprimanded - however childish that sounds. :/ But, since that day something has once again shifted towards healing and I've recalled the fact that I've asked God to make His presence known so that we might be changed into His likeness. Maybe someday He'll ask me to share what He's taught me when I've reached a place of complete healing.
I have heard an alarming amount of fellow believers say in one way or another, "That's just the way I am. It's just my personality or it's the way God made me," with the connotation that there's not room for Him to change the behavior or bad habit. In all kindness, let me say that I wholeheartedly disagree. His power knows no limits and He has given us everything we need for a godly life in Christ Jesus. *2 Peter 1: 3-9 Maybe it's just that we don't always WANT to change. Or, we don't know how, and have given up when we can't break the cycle or feel like power and answers aren't coming fast enough.

hi my name is ryan (That line is from my son, who asked me if this was my blog with an ornery grin on his face, then asked me to keep his greeting on here. Wish granted. Hello from my youngest. And you're welcome for the squirrel moment.)

This last year and a half has included a huge transition for our family. My oldest graduated from high school and moved to college several months ago. I don't think I've ever experienced such a kaleidoscope of memories and emotions bombard me at one time as they did for a little over a year, particularly in the last month or so before she left. And I mean, bombard me. Smiles came easily as I remembered moments. Tears came easily as I remembered moments. I remembered times where I could've been a better mom and my heart ached and I thanked God for being perfect and asked Him to please fill in the void(s) with grace as only He can. I remembered times where I was a good mom and my heart reminded myself that it is God who worked in me to be a good mother for my kids. *Philippians 2:13 I can take no credit.
I remembered. Years of moments treasured and stored up in this mama's heart came back to mind and back to life.

How she was so little when she started walking that she could walk right under our kitchen table without ducking.
How I was both shocked and doubled over laughing when two of the first words she strung together were, "Dat poop?!?" while she sat on the counter watching me scoop brownie batter into a 9x13 pan.
How she has always loved winter (I have NO idea where that came from. Cause the good Lord knows mama doesn't like those endless cloudy, freezing, holed-up, slushy wet snow days. :D) and one particular week had been praying for snow. I got to witness her pushing her nose up against the window of our living room, looking up to heaven  and whispering, "Thank you for the snow."
How she arranged every single thing she played with into perfect rows with same shapes and colors together. To a fault.
On and on and on...

I'm so thankful for the gift of memories. And my mama heart grieved in letting her go, because I had begun to feel like I was gaining a good friend, even though I was still the mom.

And then I began praying with renewed vigor that God would reveal in us what needed to be revealed so that we could experience Jesus in a new and real way. And He answered.
And then I began to question whether I should've chosen a different time to start praying that prayer because He revealed struggles in Whitney's life that created some stressful days this past summer while we were getting ready for graduation, an open house, college move in day, etc.(All amidst my husband and I BOTH getting our appendix removed within a couple months of each other.)  AAAACCKK. hehe  It's also not a fun thing to hear that some of what your child is struggling with is something that includes a mistake you made. *sigh*
But, the other part of me marveled at how God seemed to delight in the prayer I was praying for my family. Even if it felt overwhelming at times - He was being faithful. He's still being faithful in answering. He's also still in the process of bringing me and a couple of my kids through the changing, healing process - we've not come to a place of complete victory or healing, but I promise you I have no doubts He WILL bring us to that place.

When Whitney left for college, I remember thinking I wished there were a few things in her life that she'd be more mature in. Things that we've taught her that haven't quite moved from her head to her heart.

We left her after that move-in weekend and in the weeks that followed I felt God speak over my heart and mind. He reminded me of the fact that ultimately Whitney (and Cassidy and Ryan) are HIS. That as much as I've filled up my heart so very full over the years with "mama things"  - she is loved and treasured beyond my wildest imagination by Him and He is now taking over on a whole new level as she becomes of age and has moved out on her own. He'll continue to mature her in His own good timing and plans for her.

Treasured and pondered. My thoughts have went to Mary, the mother of Jesus so many times in this past year.

*Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
*Luke 2:51b "...But His mother treasured all these things in her heart."

From Strong's Concordance of the Bible:

(treasured up is the word "kept" in the KJV, which Strong's uses.)
in verse 19: treasured up: to keep closely together. to conserve. to remember. to preserve, keep safe, keep close [of the mother of Jesus.]

in verse 51: treasured up: to watch thoroughly.

pondered: to consider.
I love the Amplified translation: "But Mary treasured all these things, giving careful thought to them and pondering them in her heart."

Jesus' powerful presence rocked His earthly mother's world even as an infant. A mother's heart can truly be a mysterious, deep well, full of memories we retain - that perhaps only we can fully know and understand why those particular ones that we treasure mean so much to us.

God also reminded me that as we are created in His image *Genesis 1:27 the beautiful reflection recorded in the Bible of Mary the mother of Jesus is a reflection of how much He treasures and ponders over His own. There are numerous verses that reflect how He delights over us and loves us that I won't list here, but dive in and ask Him to reveal them if you need the confirmation and reminder.

What a gift we give to our family, friends, neighbors, and communities when we invite the One who treasures us most, to show up, change our atmospheres, and reveal what in us needs to be touched, changed and healed by Him - when people can see how our responses are different, how our lifestyle is different, how are personalities have changed to reflect Him.

It's never too late to start asking. Keep treasuring and pondering those moments you have with your kids - whether physical or spiritual children - and ask. "Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children..." *Lamentations 2:19

May we have the courage to fight the fight, to let Him change and heal us. No matter how scary it feels or what comes to light. For we are asking the One who treasures and ponders us more than we can imagine.

And, let the change begin with me,

Jules

a Rock climbing prayer [for the overwhelmed]

What was going to be a simple Facebook status morphed into feeling God pushing me one step further to take the time to write more of the story out...

Last Sunday we had a night of prayer and worship at church that our small group attended together. I walked in feeling overwhelmed - and not in a good way. Life was overwhelming me in a couple of different areas - the details I don't believe are for sharing this time. Just know I was overwhelmed. There was a time during that night for personal reflection and if you're like me sometimes there is so much going on in your head that you wonder if you can stop what's going on in there long enough to even start to put together some thoughts to reflect on to even know where to start to "reflect" and pray. Good gravy - all I could manage was "You know where I'm at and what I'm feeling - help. Just help." I don't always hear an answer, I don't always hear the whisper. But that night I did. The still, small voice said, "Lift up your head." That made me cry. It made me cry in part because whenever He speaks it's so incredibly peace giving and also because 1) I had been letting my circumstances discourage me and 2) I hadn't been diligent in spending time with and talking to Him about everything and was feeling guilty about that. In the way that only God can speak, His words were both comforting and convicting. 

Comforting: You're forgiven. No need to hang your head. *Hebrews 4: 14-16 (Those with sensitive consciences who can be pretty hard on yourself get me most here probably. Those verses from Hebrews are SO challenging and comforting)

Convicting: Stop walking around allowing yourself to feel defeated. You're feeding off of emotions and perceptions that haven't been filtered through My Truth.

All day Monday and more and more the rest of the week the following verse  - that became my heart's cry/prayer written below - as well as the words from a hymn ran through my mind:

"O love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee..."

Psalm 61:2b KJV

...when

Not "if". Because You know me (us) so well - do You not? You know that I cannot live perfectly and therefore will succumb to feeling overwhelmed. It can strike at any age or stage. In Your goodness, I think You allowed us to feel this emotion/feeling because by feeling it I have a choice. I can run around trying to fix what's overwhelming me, I can stick my head in the sand and try to ignore it all, or I can pause and remind myself Who's really in control here and Who has perfect perspective.

my heart is overwhelmed

You know what's got me feeling overwhelmed at the moment. The kind of overwhelmed that ends with a negative tone. It doesn't have to be dire and negative situations all the time. Sometimes it can be a good and permissible thing that's gotten out of control and I've become so focused on it it's become an idol and I'm not sure I can do without it.

lead me

Because You don't force, nor coerce us like robots. When I've  looked around at the wind and the waves too long in the hard times or looked at the pretty, glittering, shiny things too long in the good times instead of staying focused on You, and I'm overwhelmed by where I am or what I'm going through, You don't come looking for Your sheep, grab me by the hand and pull and yank me in the right direction. The chances of me having an attitude of surrender if You did probably wouldn't be very high. In love, You're faithful to discipline me, yes. *Proverbs 3: 11-12 But You don't force me. There is something in me that knows that holding out my hand in surrender and asking/pleading "Please take hold of my hand and lead me" is so much more healthy and will produce much more fruit than a God who yanks and pulls me around. And so I pause. I deliberately pause, hold out my hand, and beg You to lead me.

Because You NEVER get overwhelmed. You're mighty, strong, and You see all things, and You don't get overwhelmed. I need that kind of steady in my life. When I'm overwhelmed I don't think very rationally or level-headed, I overthink things and more easily perceive things that aren't reality about people or circumstances.

to the rock

Because I need You first before anyone else. While many times You use people to speak truth to us and help us along, whether it's a close friend or a godly Bible teacher - those are good choices - I know my first choice needs to be You.

And lead me to the Rock, because while green pastures and quiet waters are needed sometimes *Psalm 23 and sometimes a tower of refuge is needed *Psalm 61:3 *Proverbs 18:10 and other times I find refuge under Your wings *Psalm 36:7 *Psalm 61:4 (You have so many ways of sustaining and refreshing us), You know that when I'm feeling overwhelmed it's most often because I'm feeling unsure, shaky, and unsteady because I feel like things are getting out of control, all happening at once, or moving to quickly. (Whether we've brought them on ourselves, or life has simply handed us trouble. *John 16:33) You know I need a firm place to rest. Some solid footing underneath me. I need Your not-overwhelmed perspective. My circumstances may not change immediately, but there's something about standing on something immoveable and solid when everything around me is shaking and moving that gives me the peace and strength I believe You intended for us. Dare I say if I'm feeling overwhelmed I've most likely climbed down off The Rock for too long?!?

that is higher than I

Because when I've become overwhelmed, I have something in front of me that feels bigger than what I can handle. When I'm looking at a mountain in front of me that's got me feeling overwhelmed and I turn to my place of refuge in God my Rock  - I need to be reminded that You are not a God who can be picked up, manipulated, or thrown around. You are a huge expanse of a Rock that does not change *Malachi 3:6, that is unshakeable and immovable and that is much stronger than me. While there are rocks that are shorter and smaller than me that I can't move - there is something about coming to The Rock for help and having to look up to even be able to see the top - that strengthens me. [[I believe the Psalmist wanted us to picture the Rock that way as well. When I looked up the word in Strong's Concordance several definitions caught my eye: 1) Tsur means rocky wall or cliff  3b) The rock (or mountain) serves as a figure of security *Psalm 61:2 firmness *Job 14:18 and something that endures *Job 19:24]] 
And then, You invite me to the top of the Rock. You've still got my hand from leading me here, and you take my hands now and place them into two crevices above me as You help me step my feet into two crevices in front of me to start the climb. As I reach up higher and my feet find the next steps up I'm filled with hope and confidence again because You're leading me. And as I take each step, I walk away from my enemy and I trample on and leave behind my fears, my un-level-headed thoughts, my doubts, my insecurities, my inadequacies, etc. that have got me feeling overwhelmed, because my focus is on The Rock. My focus is where it should be. Jesus, keep me focused on The Rock and looking up until I reach the top. Where the ground stops shifting and although I look around and see that my circumstances might be the same I realize that I am secure and firm with You. You'll get me through.

This verse has been a head lifter for me this past week. The more that I used the words as a heart's cry though, I found myself also praying, "Help me to LIVE THIS. To not just be a hearer of the Word and have the knowledge, but a DOER". To not just rejoice in the encouraging word pictures You've given me, but for crying out loud to be ACTIVE in guarding my heart *Proverbs 4:23 like You've asked me to so I can live un-overwhelmed (surely that's a word) as I make decisions and process life and seek Your will. I'm so thankful that the God of the universe in all of His glory and splendor and holiness is willing to work with us in such practical ways. With His hand in mine, I'm moving in the right direction.   

Tonight I realized at 10:30 that we still had a movie that was supposed to be returned to the video store by 11:00. I decided that running to town was worth it instead of paying a late fee. I was feeling filled up and refreshed after meeting with our small group tonight and the air was so nice and cool so I opened up our sunroof and decided I would play Chain Breaker by Zach Williams.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGYjKR69M6U

There's a bridge where he says:

If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify

I came up on an intersection as he was singing that particular part of the song. I stopped at the stop sign and with no cars behind me, in front of me, and glancing both ways didn't see anyone coming from either direction, I had me a little moment with my God. I closed my eyes, and raised my arm up through the open roof of my car to testify. Satan has a way of hinting that it's a little silly and dorky to be doing something like that in the dark of night at an intersection - and I almost fell for it, but then in an act of defiance I raised my hand a little higher and pointed up to my Rock because He's worthy.

I opened my eyes just in time to look to my right and see a car coming up on the intersection. Uhhhh, apparently I had my little moment longer than I thought ?!? because I had seen no headlights at all when I pulled up and checked both ways. So here I am, sitting at an intersection, in the dark, yeah, just sitting there, with my hand up out of the roof, pointing to the sky, with headlights shining on me. I may or may not have blushed in my car, sitting at the intersection, in the dark, with my hand raised out of the sunroof, pointing at the sky, with headlights shining on me...

I decided to go ahead and cross the intersection then. And then, the embarrassment left and I got some major giggles at the whole scenario. About what those people might have wondered if they did see me.

If that was you, I'd want you to know I was pointing to my Rock.

Lift up your head friend,

Jules

love, rainbows, and freedom [a celebration]

The following verses have set my heart on fire this week. Each a firecracker of joy and hope - building momentum until my heart has nearly burst. I realized it was too much for me to keep to myself...

My blog has been quiet. I suppose you're starting to get used to that because my posts are so sporadic...this last period of silence has been the longest, but was a God thing I believe - about which I'll tell you later. (So suspenseful of me) *wink, wink

But today? Today I hope my fingers can keep up with my brain as I type out my gratitude for three unshakable things that I am so renewably thankful for and that have changed my life.

1) The one and only True Love.

*I Corinthians 12:31b *I Corinthians 13:4-7

"And now I will show you the most excellent way.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects.
Always trusts.
Always hopes.
Always perseveres."

I have known these verses since my youth. Different circumstances in my life, at various times in my life, have revealed missing pieces to the love I myself display. I'm so thankful for grace. Not cheap grace mind you, but grace that says, "I have sent my Son as a sacrifice so that you can be free from your sinful flesh that lives in opposition to Me." Grace that knows how much my sins - whether attitudes of the heart - or my actions - hurt me and therefore sets me on a path to free me from them, never condoning them. Grace that - when I can't fully understand the extent of just how sinful I am - and especially in my early immaturity as a new believer -  because of the blood of Jesus, covers me. This Love. This Love that loved me at my darkest. *Romans 5:8 This love that cannot be removed and is for everyone. *Romans 8:38-39 *John 3:16 This Love that faithfully and lovingly and patiently has guided me, and still does, by means of loving discipline *Proverbs 3:11-12 and conviction. Love that will not let me go. This love and grace that will cover me when I stand before my God. A fresh new wave of "I WANT TO KNOW MORE OF THIS LOVE THAT IS INCOMPREHENSABLY WIDE AND LONG AND WIDE AND DEEP" *Ephesians 3: 18-19 has hit me this week.

Confession: there are times that I want to highlight in all capitol letters one or two (or more) of these sentences that appear to be missing when I'm observing the love I see in others and pass them on to them in a note. I suppose we've all been guilty of this? Maybe? :) But, I couldn't help but wonder this week which ones would be highlighted for ME by those who know me well if I was the recipient... I will never achieve perfection, but OH, that my life would display HIS love that points others to Him, and no other false imitation. True love is not always accepted, but it's the only love that truly changes the world.

2. Rainbows and what they truly stand for - a covenant of mercy and the faithfulness of God.

*Genesis 6 -9 (for the whole story)

*Genesis 8:20-22
*Genesis 9:8-16

Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in His heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him, "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you - the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you - every living creature on earth. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth." And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between Me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come. I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember My covenant between Me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

Revelation 4 (for the whole holy and humbling peek into the throne room of God)

Revelation 4: 2b-3, 5, 8

...and there before me was a throne in Heaven with Someone sitting on it. And the One who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne.

From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder...

Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying:

"Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,
who was, and is, and is to come."

I will most likely never forget when at my grandpa's funeral several years ago, a friend of his shared that not long before grandpa passed away he had gone to visit him. When he arrived grandpa was sitting out back on the porch and was facing away from him. Grandpa's friend said he was looking up at the sky, so he in turn glanced up to see what he was looking at. He didn't see anything specific, so he asked grandpa what he was looking at? "I'm just waiting", grandpa replied. Expectantly and longingly waiting for Jesus to come and take him home. Good grief, talk about a tear jerker. I have to admit I smiled at the picture, but at the same time a fresh wave of tears spilled and dripped off the bottom of my chin. Grandpa had commented to family more than once that he just wondered and wondered what it was going to be like... [in Heaven] Well grandpa, at 97 years of age you went Home to see - I for one now wonder the same thing. I know for a fact that you are experiencing more delight and beauty than you ever could have imagined.

But for now, we have glimpses from God's Word. Like this sha-mazing picture into the throne room. (Yes, I just said sha-mazing. I feel like my kids would say I'm too old to say that or that it sounds weird for me to say it? But scenes like the above warrant such comments) :)

Pure Holiness. The kind that knocks a person flat on their face in worship.

God is perfect holiness. *I Samuel 2:2 *Psalm 77:13 *Psalm 99:9 (and many more)

I have been awash in new amazement and gratitude for the beautiful reminder that comes whenever the beautiful colors of a rainbow are illuminated in the sky - God. keeps. His. promises. To see that a rainbow is positioned in the throne room is such an amazing picture to me as well - how can a rainbow not also remind us of His holiness?!

The Bible says that Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. The same grace that I mentioned above. Grace that set Noah apart and made him stand out in a world full of wickedness. I'm thankful for Noah's faithfulness and his example. When we begin to glimpse just how holy God is, His love that is patient and longsuffering toward us and our imperfection becomes even more amazing, as well as His desire to have a relationship with us. May His light shine through us, illuminating a beautiful rainbow of colors that is like a magnet to those we come in contact with. 

3. True freedom.

*Psalm 119:32

I run in the paths of Your commands, for You have set my heart FREE.    

This weekend my family and I will celebrate July 4th. We enjoy giving thanks for the freedom we enjoy, the sparklers and fireworks, and remembering the good things God has done in this country. But my celebration level for these things is very low compared to the freedom that I have in Christ. I don't mean that in a cliché, cheesy, I need to insert that to make sure I don't sound like I love this country and life too much. It is truth - the freedom I have in Christ has rocked my world and is what I live for.

For these truths, I celebrate!

Sometimes in Bible study and communing with Him, God amazes us with a new truth or insight. But sometimes He draws us back to the basics and the beauty in them to bring refreshment.

In the midst of riding some waves of anger and sadness of heart towards the deception the enemy weaves about the things of God, God anchored my heart and buoyed it with reminders of His unshakable and unchangeable power. May He do the same for you!    

I'm wondering what you feel needy for today? More boldness in sharing God's truth? Courage to stand up for Him in love when you feel alone in doing so? A heart on fire where apathy is taking control? Maybe a fresh anointing of His perfect love to fill you and balance out the parts of love you're weak in? Maybe in a world where sources are available to back pretty much every opinion under the sun about pretty much every subject under the sun, including the Bible - you'd like wisdom to know the truth in a certain area? Maybe you need peace and courage where fear and dread seem to be winning out? Trust instead of doubt? Gentleness in your words and actions? Humility where a Pharisee attitude is popping up? Maybe you need a boost of strength and perseverance to keep loving the lost until they surrender?  _____________? (fill in the blank)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit". *Romans 15:13

May you be filled up to overflowing as you bring your need(s) before Him. The righteous, just, and true Judge over all is a Wonderful Counselor - and He stands with arms open wide to receive you and to share His Truth and love that will never pass away. Ever.

I'll be right beside you,

Jules







 

locusts, loss, and [new growth]

I almost couldn't remember my password when I went to sign into my blog. It's been awhile.

Hi. I'm Julie. Remember me now? Ok, good. :)

At the beginning of the year I shared with you the conscious choice I made to offer my heart so open wide to Him this year that He had access to shape and mold me into the best me that I could be. I fully understand that this process isn't done in one year (for me, it was similar to a New Year's resolution) but I did want to specifically be intentional about it this year.

Early on in the spring of this year I began to be very aware that God was shining a light (we're talking a pretty bright spotlight, so there was no just closing my eyes and hope-it-would-go-away kinda thing.) into a broken part of my heart. Granted, He had done MUCH healing in previous years - but I always knew I was not completely healed from the wound because of how quickly the pain resurfaced in different situations. I felt God very specifically give me a verse in regards to what He wanted to do in my heart - and I decided immediately I would claim it in faith all throughout the process.

*Joel 2:25
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army that I sent among you. (ESV)

Locusts. They are devastating little creatures.

One day the land that surrounds you is green, growing, and beautifully flourishing. The next, you look outside to this: (a description from M. Olivier from Voyage dans l' Empire Othoman, ii. 424) (in regards to who this is, or what book it is referring to - do not ask me - because I do not know. As I was researching about locusts I found the quote in a Bible dictionary. Just wanted you to know that):)
"We witnessed them twice. It is difficult to express the effect produced on us by the sight of the whole atmosphere filled on all sides and to a great height by an innumerable quantity of these insects, whose flight was slow and uniform, and whose noise resembled that of rain; the sky was darkened, and the light of the sun considerably weakened. In a moment the terraces of the houses, the streets, and all the fields were covered by these insects, and in two days they had nearly devoured all the leaves of the plants." *Joel 2:6 says, "Before them peoples are in anguish; all faces grow pale."

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that every single human being has had a circumstance enter into their life that has stripped them of something. It may have been your dignity. Your confidence. Your joy. Your healthy self-esteem. Your peace. Your trust. Your reputation. Your companion. Your ________. You fill in the blank. It broke your heart.

When I wrote my post at the beginning of the year, (linked above in the highlighted words) I talked about the fact that most of the time it does not bother me when someone is better than me. That still is true of me, but the ironic thing is that when I typed - and I quote: "I can't that say I've NEVER felt the sting of someone thinking they're better than me…" I knew exactly the one incident that still definitely stung my life. And that was the one incident that  - you guessed it - He soon brought to my attention that I needed to be completely free from.

My husband and I have unintentionally begun a tradition of spending a good deal of time talking about where we've come from in our marriage and where God has us now when we are celebrating our anniversary together. It has been for me some of the most treasured conversations we've ever shared together. They are brutally honest. (if you'd like to read our story, visit this post here) During one of these conversations he admitted that someone/persons had let him know in their own way that well, he could've done better. I promise he shared it with no ill intentions and I wasn't surprised to hear him say it because I had felt him/her/them giving me those vibes already. (I'm keeping this very vague in regards to whether it was one, or more than one persons, as a way to keep identity(s) hidden as much as possible. I have NO desire to write any part of my story out of spite or revenge. I have spent a lot of moments asking Him to help me do this with a clean conscience. Because if I can't, I should not be sharing the story at all!) I was old enough, wise enough, aware enough - whatever you call it:) - to know that there are multitudes of women who could have been a better wife than me. Obviously though, this is an unhealthy thing to pass on - whether with hints, or words - to someone that is in the covenant of  marriage. The insinuation stung.

The enemy doesn't miss a thing. Especially when it comes to our weaknesses. It's maddening. (insert cartoon face that is bright red with smoke coming out of the nose and angry eyebrows - and stomping the foot) You see, there was a time period, in the year before my hubs became a Christian especially, where I felt that I couldn't do much of anything right for him. (um, don't forget what I just said in the above paragraph. I do not share this to put him in a bad light. It is just truth about our story that I believe is beneficial to share. I will readily admit I made mistakes too.) It blindsided me and wore me down in a locust kind of way. I wish that I could say that I found my identity solely in Christ at that time. I wish I could say I rested and relied on and gained strength from Him with my whole heart. But it was not that way. I definitely had times where I rested in Him and was strengthened, but I was much like Leah in the Bible just as often. I worked to earn back my husband's favor. Interestingly enough, Leah herself came to the place where her soul found rest and rejoiced in God and focused on him instead of her husband. *Genesis 29 The very last verse of this chapter tells us so. But in the very next chapter *Genesis 30 she falls right back into the trap of desperately wanting her husband's approval. I definitely can identify with her struggle.
In my pain of not "fitting the bill as a wife" it was especially heartbreaking to me when I observed or felt my husband sharing a camaraderie with another woman, or was around another woman that I knew liked him more than me. I'm not talking about being hyper-sensitive all the time, possessive around my husband kind of knowing. I'm talking about the, I believe, God-given intuition that comes to us as women that alerts us to unhealthy actions of other women around our men that SHOULD be a red flag. In these situations, I tossed up and down over waves of anger, pity, trying to remind myself that it's probably not as bad as I perceive it to be, and trying to just simply get over it and be "brave". The enemy took advantage of my weaknesses. He really did. The locusts chewed away my self-worth and confidence.

Weeping remained for a night. That's for sure. In terms of what we call a night, it was "many moons". *Psalm 30:5

But You, Sovereign Lord,
help me for Your name's sake; 
out of the goodness of Your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, 
and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow.
I am shaken off like a locust.
*Psalm 109: 21-23

I will exalt you, Lord
for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, 
I called to You for help, and You healed me.
*Psalm 30 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, 
because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners; 

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

-Jesus *Isaiah 61:1 & 3a

It took time, but God came in a mighty way and Jesus brought healing. He bandaged my wounds and became my Wonderful Counselor . *Isaiah 9:6 He opened my eyes and He taught me good things. He gave me a new and wonderfully strong bond with my husband that was glued together through difficult circumstances.

You might be asking, "Why then, was God telling you that you needed more work done in this area?"

He's shown me that there is a difference between healing - and restoring. You see, if I was to stand looking out over a large piece of land that symbolized my life and I'd survey the different events that make up my story - when I'd look over to the field that contained the story of my self-worth and confidence as Ed's wife - at the beginning of this year I would have seen plants and trees that had still been stripped of their leaves and greenery. Yes, God had come and healed so much of me but in the word picture in my mind there wouldn't be lush vegetation and beautiful green trees. I had accepted the healing balm - but it's almost as if I had looked out over the years the locusts ate and said, "Thank you that I am not completely destroyed. In the locust invasion, you upheld me. I thank You for being faithful when I allowed myself to become discouraged and was not faithful in running to You. I thank You so much for what I have left in the other fields that make up my story. I will focus on those blessings now." When in fact, His desire has been to RESTORE that field. To where we open our hearts back up after the bandaging and healing in order for Him to GROW AN EVEN GREATER HARVEST THAN WHAT WAS IN THAT FIELD BEFORE THE DEVASTATION CAME. 

This past weekend I was in Ft. Wayne, IN for a live simulcast with Beth Moore. I had just in the last few weeks felt that I was coming full circle in this whole process and it was such an astounding blessing to me to hear Him confirm what I felt I had learned this year - all throughout the conference, over and over. We stood for one of the final times of worship and in what has often become a part of my own personal way to worship, I closed my eyes for a moment. It helps me to focus on Him rather than on anyone or anything else. There are several ways that God chooses to speak into my life, and one of them has been through a picture in my mind. We began to sing and in my heart I offered gratitude to Him for both the things revealed to me from His Word over the course of the day, as well as the confirmations - through the words of a godly speaker of the truth - of what He had been teaching me over the course of the year. The image came. I will describe it the best that I can, and perhaps instead of me in the picture, I actually hope that you will see yourself.

I was walking directly down a path in the middle of a field and on both sides of me was growing beautiful golden grain, ripe for harvest, to heights well above my head. The sun was setting with beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow behind a man standing at the end of the path. His arms were open wide, waiting for me, and as I drew closer I looked into the smiling face of Jesus. I also remember a flock of birds taking flight on either side of me in beautiful formation as I got closer to Him.

It lasted for a moment, but the image is etched into my mind and makes me smile because it so beautifully describes what I'm trying to relay to all of you. It wasn't a field of "the locusts were here, and I'm glad I made it through their visit", but rather it was a field with growth so high only our mighty God could have restored it. I hope this is all making some sense?

We have to do our part too, though.

What did He ask of me?

1. That I humble myself. This was true of the Israelites too. He tells King Solomon in *2 Chronicles 7:13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people…" (wait for it…drum roll, please…)
"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." *2 Chronicles 7:14
For me that meant humbling myself enough to allow Him to finish His work without putting it on the back burner. Such as, when a situation came up where I felt the prick, instead of thinking "You're overreacting" or "I'll deal with my feelings later" and then forgetting to do that, or not taking the time - I met them head on and intentionally worked to die to myself by asking God to help me let go of past regrets or untrue thoughts.  (To me, the birds taking flight in my mental picture speak to that) We have GOT to learn to speak life into our minds to complete the new growth. We HAVE to. If I was in the middle of a conversation or an interaction with another person, including my husband, there were many times that my plea to God was a quick cry from my heart by thinking these words in my mind:

The years the locusts have eaten. Restore them.

Humbling myself also meant (and still means) honoring my husband and others above myself. *Romans 12:10 By putting his needs as a priority (and no, it has not been done perfectly). By praying for those that hurt me with their actions and words. (You know what else? Honoring others above ourselves doesn't mean that we neglect ourselves and become doormats with no boundaries. Don't forget that);) Humbling myself meant trusting God when I opened my heart back up, that His will and what He allows to come into my life would be trustworthy and good and true even if it meant being hurt by others again.

2) That I admit I could use more help. Sometimes what we've known for so long  - our normal responses, our normal reactions, our normal actions - when unhealthy - aren't painful enough nor do they feel unhealthy enough for us to feel the need to change them. The floodgates of His wisdom, when I intentionally asked Him to help me, were poured out in abundance.

3) That I confess my own sins. *Psalm 66:18 *Acts 3:19

As I think about my own circumstances I've described, I can't help but be aware of the fact that there are many of you that have experienced FAR more difficult circumstances than I when the locusts descended onto your field. I will admit to you that I don't completely understand why God allows certain people to be brought through such devastating places. These things, though, I do know: that He weeps with us in the pain and that He can restore any amount of devastation and turn it into a beautiful harvest.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. *Psalm 126:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding… *Proverbs 3:5

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. *Psalm 71:14

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. *1 Chronicles 16:11

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; 
…but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. *Psalm 37:5, 6, 7a, 9b

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you… *Psalm 55:22

He waits. He waits with outstretched arms to receive us into His presence. Come as you are.

(Crowder sings a beautiful song called Come As You Are. I have played it countless times since I found it. Listen to it. Seriously. Click on the link. You won't regret it) :)

And when the locusts unexpectedly come into your life and descend upon your fields, run to Him. For the duration - run to Him.

Jules

[the mr.]

2006: I'm grocery shopping at Meijer. In the parking lot I pass a man (who from now on will be labeled Mr.) that has worked there for as long as I can remember. He brings carts in from the parking lot. I think to myself, "He always looks kinda sad... and well, empty. He also often looks like he's in a daze - like outside of work, he may play a lot of video games - such as Dungeons and Dragons, or other such creepy games..." The Holy Spirit surprises me by whispering, "Why don't you pray for him?" I'm at a particular time in my life where God's Spirit is moving a lot and I'm growing in so many ways. But still, it feels like an odd request. Even so, I pray for the man's soul. And over the next several years - off and on - I continue to offer up little prayers for the man when I see him. At times I wonder if I really heard correctly or if it was maybe just a one time deal. 'Cause I tend to be a doubting Thomas.  

2012: It's fall. I've joined a women's Bible study at church and we are going through the gospel of John. As part of the curriculum and what Kay Arthur is teaching us, there is a small interview that has room for you to write down the answers from three different people to questions about what they believe about God, Jesus, eternity, etc. It is there as a helpful tool to aid in speaking to others about the gospel message (especially to those that are intimidated by doing so) and meant to provide an opportunity to survey people (especially those that you don't know well) in a non-threatening way - with the hopes that they will be receptive to you, responding back with questions about why they don't believe/have a distorted belief in God, and/or will hear your testimony. Several women have used it and are beginning to have the opportunity to speak to the same person more than once. It is such a blessing to see God work. It's not a required assignment. And, I still have interviewed no one on the last day of the Bible study. I head to Meijer for groceries after I'm done at the church and drive across the front of the store to the side labeled "Groceries." As I pass the other entrance I notice Mr. sitting out front on a bench, clearly on a break. I glance over at my Bible Study book laying on the passenger seat as my heart begins to beat at a faster pace. "Interview the Mr.", I hear the Holy Spirit whisper. "Sigh, I so knew that was coming", I think to myself... and for a few moments while I find a parking space, I wrestle with the thought (ONCE AGAIN, you know me...) that maybe I didn't hear that one quite right?!?, but my heart pounds faster, and I can't deny what God is asking of me in this moment - when I just would like some food to put in my cupboards... 
I walk up to the Mr. I am SO nervous. I don't know that I would have been quite as nervous if it was anyone else. I tell him that I have an assignment for a class I'm taking, and wonder if he'd be willing to answer a few questions?? all while trying to keep my hands from visibly shaking. Sure, he doesn't mind doing that. I listen to his answers and I realize he definitely is not a believer. I didn't feel in that moment that I needed to talk to him further about his answers, so I thank him for his time and take my binder back to my car. 

2013: It is the first of the year and I have continued to offer up prayers for Mr. since my interview with him. And yes, it still feels a little bizarre. An older couple in our small group at church has been sharing with us how God has led various people into their lives since they've been married and I am both blessed and challenged by their testimonies of speaking to people when the Holy Spirit prompts them - as they have had opportunities to share God's love with them and even see them come to accept Christ as their personal Savior. One particular night as we are sharing prayer requests I realize that I need to ask that they pray for Mr. I have never told anyone about my urges to pray for this man up until now, and as I'm vulnerable in sharing with them, the man that has blessed us with his stories of listening to the Holy Spirit now keeps me 100% accountable and asks me on a regular basis if I've felt the need to talk to Mr. :) For months I smile and tell him, "I saw him this week, yes, but didn't feel prompted to talk with him." I begin to wonder if for some reason, I'm simply meant to just pray for his salvation.

2013: Late summer. I have not had the swell-est of mornings and I am in more of a hurry than usual as well as I find a place to park at Meijer and hope to quickly get in and out before it's time to pick up my son at school. I get out of my vehicle and walk through the rows of cars to head to the grocery-side entrance of the store. I look up and see Mr. walking down the main aisle of the parking lot as he comes to gather carts. I don't know what prompted me, but I looked around and realized there wasn't another soul in sight - which for the Meijer parking lot is unusual. As I'm walking through the cars towards the aisle he's coming down I realize he is turning and will walk right past me. My first thought is, "You're going to ask me to..." I didn't even finish my train of thought when He pipes up: "Talk to the man and tell him that I love him." Me: "This is SO not a good time. Bad day for me so far. I don't want to talk to someone I don't know!" Him: "Talk to him." I PROMISE you, I came within a millimeter of saying OUT LOUD an adamant, "NO!"
But I didn't. Because, well, I do have a little common sense and self control...but believe me, I was screaming it in my mind.
You guessed it. I walked right past him and did not say a word. 
It would be hard for me to describe how bad I felt as I walked into Meijer. I couldn't help but think, "I'm such a LOSER."
I walk halfway through that grocery store with a knot in my stomach before I surrendered and told God, "I'm so sorry. How COWARDLY. If you will have faith in me one more time, and you REALLY want me to talk to Mr., give me a second chance." Not more than five minutes later I see Mr. and one of his co-workers walking down one of the main aisles to the back of the store and I feel so discouraged. They're obviously going on break and I'm getting close to being done shopping. I don't think I'm going to get my second chance. 
I walk to the front of the store. Once again, I've chosen the checkout lane that looks the speediest (because I'm in a hurry, remember?) but turns out to be the slowest. And yes, when I figure out this mystery, I will let you in on the solution. I FINALLY get the last bag into my cart, tell the cashier to have a nice day, and turn - just in time to see Mr. about 15 ft. away from me. Folding up boxes to recycle in an employee hallway. All. By. His. Lonesome. Self. I do not remember clearly, but I'm pretty sure my first thought, before I could even take it captive, was: "Oh....crap." ;) But in that same moment I realize how good God is. How utterly long suffering and patient He is with us. He's given me a second opportunity. 

And I take it.

Me: "Hi."
Mr.: "Hi."
Me: "I don't know if you remember me, but you answered some questions for me a long time ago?"
Mr.: "Yeah, I remember you..."
Me: "_______________________________________________"
Honestly, I don't remember what all I said. That may sound dorky, but my nerves were on full alert and all I could think was that I couldn't believe I was doing what I was doing. I do remember telling him that God loves him and that if he ever needs a church, he was welcome at ours.     

And then I realize it's getting a little awkward for him and I just want to say that it is really, really awkward for me too - but I let him walk away.

And then, I am flooded with a peace that truly passes all understanding. *Philippians 4:7 My heart truly floods with joy and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I never talk to Mr. again, I can rest knowing that I listened to my Heavenly Father. That I had been tested, and been found faithful in this moment. So much joy I felt. I loaded my groceries into the car, climbed into the passenger seat, and called the man from our group. I remember telling him what peace and joy I had as he rejoiced with me. And then I hung up. And then the doubts and accusations come. "Well, that was one of the dorkiest things you've ever done." "You didn't even make any sense." "He's probably thinking you are ca-raaaazy ladyyyyy." "What if he's a creep-o to whom you really shouldn't be talking to?" "What if he finds out where you live?" And for a few moments I agree with those doubts. What was I thinking?! Wait. Stop. I recognize the enemy and I remind myself that in my weakness God is strong *2 Corinthians 12:10 and that He can take my bumbling and use it. I leave it in His hands.

April 20, 2014: I have not talked to Mr. since that day. I haven't felt prompted to. There was that one time this past winter that I was walking into the store busy bringing up my grocery list on my phone, when I look up just in time to see Mr. quickly put his head down and pull the hood on his sweatshirt as far down over his face as he possible could. I feel a twinge of guilt as I thought, "See, I have completely ruined this man's opinion of Christians. He thinks I'm loony", before I remind myself again that when I am weak, He is strong. I say a little prayer for Mr. and I leave him in His more than capable hands. Then I can't help but grin a little at Mr.'s desperate attempt to quickly hide himself from me.

Back to reality: It's going on 8 years that I first felt the prompt to pray for Mr.
I had never before experienced such a burden for the soul of someone I didn't know at all. Sure, I have prayed for the salvation of family and friends for years, but never a complete stranger. Honestly, it still feels a little strange at times. But this experience has slowly changed me and taught me good lessons. 

We have the Message. The only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life *John 14:6 dwells within us and cries out for us to share the Good News. To show the world there is hope and salvation and freedom from sin available. 

I'm going to assume that if you are reading this, you have at least one person on this earth that you can call friend. (If not, my goodness, my heart bleeds for you! May He provide you with a true friend.) I'm also going to assume that you are aware that there was a polar vortex this past winter. (i.e. it creates a most brutal of winters! At least in the Midwest.) One more story: I was at Meijer (yes! I go there a lot! hehe) one day this past winter and the parking lot was particularly icy and covered in snow. I was almost to the doors when I heard a cry for help. To someone called Owen, Loren - or similar - I couldn't quite make the name out. I turned around to see a Meijer employee sitting flat on the ground with his legs straight out in front of him, holding up his arm for whomever he had hollered to. I turned further to see that it was the Mr. to whom he had called. They are both very heavy-set people. I don't say that to put them down - I only want to explain why he didn't get up on his own. Mr. reached down with both hands and helped him to his feet. In that moment I felt God give me a picture of the verses that are in *Ecclesiastes 4.

⁸ There was a man all alone;
    he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
    “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
    a miserable business!

⁹ Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up! 

 

I felt Him whisper to my soul, "There are so many who have fallen. So many who are sitting flat on the ground stuck in their sin and unbelief and no one has offered a helping hand and shared with them how to rise up and walk in new life." It was ironic to me that day that it was Mr. that helped him up. I walked into Meijer praying a little prayer that Mr. would someday surrender and believe in the One and Only. That he would accept the hand of the Creator who formed him and made him. The only hand that can raise him up.

 

This past week I read on the news that the vice principal of the South Korean high school who was rescued from a sinking ferry full of his students was found hanged to death. It broke my heart. I found myself wondering if anyone had shared with him the message of hope. Did he have a friend of Jesus that at least told him about the man that died for him so that he could have eternal life? Had he heard it but refused to believe in that hope and allowed despair to swallow him? It made me angry at the enemy. He loves to see people destroyed and wiped out. Sitting ducks if you will - flat on the ground with no one to help them up.  

 

I've felt God asking me to share my experiences with all of you now, and I challenge you today. I challenge you to rethink your timidity towards sharing the gospel. Maybe you don't struggle to speak to others about Christ, even complete strangers. (Who are just trying to do their job at the grocery store.);) If so, may God continue to give you boldness, wisdom, and guidance!! But for those of you  - like me - to whom it can rattle the nerves just a bit when you think of all the things that could go wrong and the answers that you might not know when you speak to others about Christ, I challenge you climb out of the boat *Matthew 14:22-33 and at least begin to keep your eyes open to the people around you. To at least keep your ears open for the sound of His prompting. To some, it's going to evoke a similar response of fear that the disciples felt when they thought that Jesus was a ghost *vs. 26 ;)but keep your eyes on Jesus, don't look down, and trust Him. I picture the first time that God asked me to say something to Mr. in the parking lot where I flat out refused, as my time of looking around at the crashing waves and hearing the howling winds as Peter did. We're not going to get it right every time. I hope that comes as an encouragement to you.

 

Truthfully, I may never talk to Mr. again. (I'm comfortable with that. hehe) I may never find out if he accepted Christ. It may have just been God teaching me lessons on relying on Him to be my voice, or Him testing my obedience. But, I DO want to be ready if God needs me to help Mr., or another soul up off the ground. I sure would be happy to have you as a companion.

 

I am resolved in this. These can be added to my resolution verses in opening my heart to His work: (see previous post)

 

*Isaiah 6:8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

 

*I Samuel 3:10 The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak. For your servant is listening."

 

God, you know my timid heart. It really can be easier to pray for someone's salvation and hope that someone else more equipped will share with them, rather than speaking to them ourselves. But, you have asked us to go and make disciples. Unveil my eyes to the opportunities that You present to me. Uncover my ears to hear Your voice prompting me. Please God, give me Your words. Thank you for using weakness. Make me strong in You. Help me to live radically for You - to trust Your voice no matter how bizarre Your requests may feel.

 

Thank you God for friends. Bless my friends who are reading this now. Bless them with hands that reach out to lift those who have fallen. Give us the grace to persevere in prayer and in speaking to those who still sit in darkness, when they won't accept Your love and forgiveness. When they refuse to believe. For until the very moment they breathe their last breath, they are worth fighting for. Increase in our hearts a burden for lost souls. 

 

Happy Easter dear friend. He is RISEN! Go and share the good news with those that sit flat on the ground and need a friend to reach them with the good news. (Don't be surprised if there is one sitting on the ground needing help where you shop for your groceries.)

 

Jules

      

resolved [01]

Maybe you've been around them too. Whether it's actually true or not, you can feel that they think they know more than you, or are simply better than you at something... - or all things, for that matter. I'm not sure I've ever heard of anyone that enjoys that kind of company. Usually people just react.

• by being annoyed
• with sarcasm
• anger
• ignoring the "bester"
• pitting it back on them
• feeling hurt
• lowered self-esteem
• gossip (I just accidentally typed "goosip." That strikes me a little funny. Like, as in a goose that can't keep it's mouth shut, or a goose that has to purse it's lips in order to sip...) *rabbit trail *keeping things light is good every once in awhile
• etc.

There are many who are better than me. That's the truth.

Can clean better than me. Can organize better than me. Are better at being a mom than me. Are more disciplined than me. Prioritize better than me. Are prettier than me. Are more creative than I am. You can name just about anything, really. In general, it doesn't really bother me when other people are better than me at something. I can't say I've NEVER felt the sting of someone letting me know I don't quite measure up, but overall it's not something I struggle with.

What does hit me every once in awhile though, is the frustration and/or discouragement I feel when my weaknesses blare loudly. Particularly when I know that my family is disappointed in me. They are such important people in my life and it's hard for me to swallow when I've let them down. (some of that is pride, I know) I do fully understand that we all make mistakes, yes. But I'm talking more about when I simply know better - know I should be using self-discipline and working on my weaknesses through His strength. It was the first week in January 2014 and I was cleaning. I don't enjoy cleaning. I'm just going to put that out there right now. :) I have a dear friend that has told me cleaning is something she would choose to do when she has free time/down time. She loves it. Um, what?!? I'm not there. :) (Truthfully though, I have prayed for God to help me find more joy in taking care of the home He has blessed us with. I'm still a work in progress. Heehee) I'm not saying I have never made a New Years' resolution, but I for sure can't remember the last time I made one. While I love the feeling of a fresh start, it has seemed kind of futile for me to suddenly make a commitment or wish to do something for 365 straight days. I guess I know my humanness all too well.

Back to the cleaning. I was discouraged. I had had a week where I felt my weaknesses blaring and my husband had let me know that he noticed as well. In general I'm pretty hard on myself, so sometimes I look back on moments like that and I realize not always is my self-scrutiny, or someone else's scrutiny of me valid, but the combination of the truth about my weaknesses and any unnecessary beating up of myself was very real as I went from room to room ridding them of dust and dirt. It's difficult for me not to imagine He's fed-up with me too when I'm in that mode. I was in our bathroom when I felt Him speak over me. "I love you in spite of yourself. I love you in your weakness. I'm willing to be your strength. I know you inside and out." *Hebrews 4:13

Psalm 139
1. You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.
2. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
3. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
4. Before a word is on my tongue You, Lord, know it completely.
5. You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

He whispered, "There is no one who can be you, better than YOU."

For the first time in forever, I was resolved. I had a New Year's resolution:

To open my heart so wide in the coming year that He has the most free reign possible to make me the best me that I can be.

I realize I can't really know what all that resolution will bring me through or what it may look like, but I wanted to do my part to begin the process. One of the most powerful things I have learned to do in my prayer life is to pray scripture over myself and those I am praying for. The word of God is living, active, and sharp. *Hebrews 4:12 It only makes sense that it works so powerfully when we claim and pray the perfect Truth into our lives.

I turned 40 on my last birthday. (One of my first thoughts was, "Wow, if I was an Israelite, I'd just now be leaving the desert and preparing to enter the Promised Land." That is astounding to me. I think of all I've done, everywhere I've been, and everything I've done in my lifetime, and I think: That's a long time!) I decided to begin opening my heart by compiling a list of at least 40 scriptures that I could begin to pray - requests and invites for Him to begin moving in me. I've felt Him wanting me to share some - maybe all of them eventually - with you, so this post will include the start of them.

• Hebrews 4:16 "Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." This for me, was the perfect starting point. I still have much to learn about grace. It is one of the truly beautiful and amazing things about God and Christianity.

God, I'm asking You today for confidence. First of all, for confidence to remember that You are able to empathize with ALL my weaknesses, *Hebrews 4:15 and that Your grace covers my sin. That when I come to You in confession, You will not fail to forgive. *Psalm 51:17 But most of all, I feel I need the confidence that comes from knowing that letting You have control of my heart will result in my life being filled with contentment, peace, and joy - and not emptiness and disappointment from what I let go of. Even in the painful pruning and self-discipline that this will include, I want that confidence to remain. Yes, even in these. It's so hard for us as human beings to fully relinquish. Well, at least for me - as much as I don't want to admit it.  

• Exodus 33:18 "Then Moses said, ""Now show me Your glory.""

God, it's always good to be reminded of Your glory. Please keep it active and present in my life - for it keeps us humble, it keeps us encouraged as we see Your power and might, it keeps a healthy, reverent fear of You in our life.

• Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

God, I want to remain humble. Please perfect Your love in me that I might be devoted to others because of it. I ask You to remind me to honor others above me. To show me how to honor others above, me. I do not want to honor them above You, though, for that is the most dangerous of games. It is idolatry. "Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between." Remove the people idols from my life.

• Romans 12:9 "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."

God, I ask You to show me how to truly bold in hating evil. I ask that You would help me to recognize it quickly. Help me not to rationalize it in any way in my own life, but help me instead to understand how far it is from Your character and how offensive it is to You, for then I will not want to delight in it. *I Corinthians 13:6 Cultivate sincere love in me that I might boldly stand for and declare Your truth - like a tree with deep, deep roots *Psalm 1:1-3 - no matter the cost.

• Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry."
• Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."  

God, thanks. A sincere thank you for Your patience. I understand that 2014 will NOT be the year that I finally live perfectly. It will not be the year that I completely "get my act together" because I have made this resolution. But, what I do want to ask of You is that You will keep me in step with You in this process - that really, should be a lifelong resolution. I may get impatient with the moments when it seems I'll never learn. I may get impatient because I'm tired of learning more fully to let go of my flesh. I may get impatient because, well, I don't "feel" like You're working or speaking to me. Let me not run ahead of You, or lag behind. Please make me fully aware of when I have let go of Your hand - for You do not let go of ours. *Hebrews 13:5

The more that I've been thinking about what it means to begin intentionally opening my heart to Him, I've realized that if I do my part, my life will inevitably reflect Him - godliness will increase in my life. You know, as hard as it can be to let go of self - I would not want ANYONE else molding me and making me. No one. Deep down I know that He will be kind and good and generous. That whatever discipline He brings into my life is not for His own weird satisfaction or enjoyment, but out of love for me. *Proverbs 3:11-12 Last week is when the word "godliness" popped into my mind in reference to the fruit that would come out of all of this, and these thoughts hit me right between the eyes: His word says that "godliness with contentment is great gain." *I Timothy 6:6 (yes, this verse is on my list, along with the request that He fill me with contentment) The verse does speak to the fact that godliness can be present without much contentment. But, if my relationship with Christ is the source of my godliness, in my humble opinion, it WILL contain contentment. I've observed plenty of people in my lifetime who have the "godliness" down pat, but their lives do not speak of contentment which is sad, really. There are many who need eyes and hearts opened to the fact that their godliness has come from "doing" and not from a heart-change from the Master. Perhaps we've been godly because our image is at stake. Our reputation is at stake. Our godliness comes from the motivation to please people. Our motivation comes from living with legalism. Our godliness comes from complacency and simply going through the motions as a Christian. We lose our contentment when we look ANYWHERE else, but to the author and finisher of our faith. *Hebrews 12:2 When we look elsewhere we become envious and jealous. We compare "their "life (whomever that may be) against our life. Their success against ours. We become discontent with allowing Jesus to receive the glory. We want more of us and less of Him. We become more judgmental. We feel empty. We want more "things." May He give us wisdom to understand the source of our own discontentment.

Inevitably, I get tested in the days and weeks that follow one of my blog posts. God is just simply faithful in making sure we are who we say we are. *le sigh ;) It makes me want to procrastinate in sharing on here, I'll admit. Obviously, the testing from God is a good thing. We also have an enemy who tests. (Bah humbug) He doesn't let me alone either. He will do everything he can to make so I don't have time, energy, or determination to lay my heart wide open before my God. He's just simply an angry being who wants me to fail. *I Peter 5:8 Be alert, friend. And keep me accountable too, ok!?

*II Thessalonians 3:3 "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one."

Happy New Year in February to you! I dare you today, tomorrow, or sometime in the very near future, to stand in front of your mirror and allow yourself to smile. To smile, because He made you. To smile, because He made no one like you. To smile, because He delights in you and is willing to enable you to be the best you that you can possibly be. To smile, because He compares you to no one and wants you to be content. I need to do the same.

Jules