secret agent[s]

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." *Matthew 6:1

I've always thought it would be so cool to be a detective. A secret agent, who goes undercover and figures out the mystery of who-what-when-where-how. I remember when I was in youth group one of my favorite social activities that we did was when several of those in the group would be chosen to disguise themselves as much as possible, then head to the mall while the rest of the kids would walk the mall trying to find them. The searchers wouldn't know who the hiders were, which made it even more fun! One year I got to dress up. It was so funnnnnnn. Got me a big, curly, white blond wig - put on heavy make-up and walked the mall trying to stay disguised:) Although, my track record with heavier make-up hasn't always been so disguising... 

I do the bookkeeping for my husband's business and often on the days I'm in the office we'll go out for dinner that night. Ed's desire to thank me for helping him out and sparing me from having to cook after a day in the office. (Very nice of him, yes.) At the beginning of this year I took two of my kids and actually met him at the restaurant because he had some errands to take care of up until suppertime. It was in the middle of winter and by the time we left the house it was dark outside. My lips were crazy chapped as they often are in the dry air at that time of year and I couldn't wait to get my hands on some Chapstick once we headed down the road. I felt around in my purse until I felt the tube and very liberally smeared it all over my mouth. Some of you are going to know the feeling of instant relief and gratitude I felt! We arrived at the restaurant before my husband and I gave him a big smile as he sat down in the booth with us. For any that don't know my husband, he is a straight shooter if there ever was one. For the most part it's a blessing but sometimes I do wish he wouldn't be QUITE so honest. Hehe. 

Me: "Hi honey!"
Ed: (no hi back) "Uhhh, nice lipstick."

Me thinking: ??? Does he wish I would wear lipstick?!? I'm confused?!

Me: "Um, thanks??"

Ed: (half-snort) "Is that a new look, or what?"

Me: (getting somewhat irritated at his line of questioning) "It's CHAP-stick. What are you talking about?" 

Ed: "You've got colored stuff all around your mouth."

Me: "Whatever...it's just shiny 'cause my lips were so chapped." 

Ed: (with sarcasm and almost a guffaw) "No, REALLY. It's a bright color and it's everywhere..." (while motioning in a circle motion around his mouth)

Me: reaching up and wiping above my lip with my finger...looking at my finger and seeing bright orange... "Oh no."

You see, in the dark I had actually grabbed my tinted Burt's Bees lip balm which has the same shape as a tube of Chapstick. I was so embarrassed. I had asked for a table like that. I had said hello to a girl from our previous church whom I hadn't seen in months. I had smiled at our waitress and ordered our drinks like that. I asked my two kids who had come with me why in the world they didn't tell me?! "I didn't see anything!..." Sigh. In their defense it is a darker restaurant because of their lighting - but I think they simply were in their own little worlds enough that they didn't notice mama's mishap, unfortunately. My husband said he noticed it from ten feet away and thought, "Yeeeeeeepp! I'm. With. Herrrrr." While my family laughed at me - I was none too amused at the time. Sometimes I really do get tired of doing airheaded things. :/ But, later that night after we had gone to bed and Ed was already sawing logs in the Redwood Forest, the whole incident finally struck me extremely funny. I laughed so hard that I eventually snorted and woke him up. In his sleepy state he wondered what was wrong(?!?) (bless his heart) and sighed when I told him to go back to sleep - that the whole lipstick-gone-wrong was finally striking me as funny...

The moral of the story is that for the most part this was a rabbit trail story - but also to prove that I should only "disguise" myself in daylight. In front of a mirror. Otherwise, I just become a clown face. 

If I was going to be a secret agent I'd want to work for the best. I'd want to dig for clues, look for signs, and put pieces of the puzzle together until I'd found the truth. I'd want to learn how to recognize the telltale signs of when someone is lying or being deceitful. Pretending to be on the side of good when they are in fact, not. 

There is good secret, and there is bad secret. 

It is so refreshing to me when God teaches me examples of humility when He allows me to hear of or see instances where someone has fulfilled His calling to be an agent of His in secrecy. Who serves or gives or uplifts another or cares for another tirelessly without any acknowledgment. Who honored another above themselves. *Romans 12:10 Without the need for anyone to know, or the need for any accolades to be given. 

Over the past year and a half (approximately):) God has opened my eyes in greater ways to His name El Roi: the God who sees me. *Genesis 16:13 [no pun intended in that last sentence] ;) When we are children - and I suppose even as adults for some - "the God who sees me" can be a force of fear and judgement in our view of who He is, in an unhealthy way. But, the flip side of that is to become cold towards the healthy fear of Him that I believe is a vital part of our relationship with Him. *Deuteronomy 10:12 *I Samuel 12:24 *Psalm 25:14 *Psalm 34:7 *Proverbs 9:10 and, oh my, many many more. There are precious promises that are given for those who fear His name. I cringe more and more at the lack of reverent fear for God that our society has shifted toward. People can be so adept at keeping up good appearances while being so weak in the secret places. Last year Ed & I went through The Truth Project, released by Focus on the Family. (What a blessing of a video/study series!) Del Tackett shared a story of how he had been mentoring/keeping accountable a young man struggling with pornography. He asked the man after he had fallen prey to it again if He believed that God was omniscient - was everywhere, and saw all things. "Yes," the man replied. "No you don't," replied Mr. Tackett. "Because if you truly, TRULY believed it and you understood His holiness, and that sin is detestable to God, you would not make the choice to bring pornography into His presence." [Please know I make no claims to be repeating this word for word. But hopefully you will understood the powerful example of what he was teaching] How the enemy loves for us to believe that if humans don't see, it's not as harmful. That even if God does see, the thrill of what our flesh desires, trumps God's delivering presence. 

Not only does His presence deliver, but He sees. 

He sees when a Samaritan stops to help a wounded enemy with no one else around. *Luke 10:25-37

He sees when one remains silent when the temptation to gossip calls. *Proverbs 16:28 *Proverbs 20:19

He sees when one remains silent when they could pass along a hurt with the intent that another has sympathy pains and a damaged view of the one that inflicted the wound. *Proverbs 26:20

He sees when those that have insignificance in the world's eyes serve with all of their heart, as unto the Lord. *Colossians 3:23 

Etc. 

He sees everything. 

God created secret things to be both powerful and beautiful. Giving & serving, prayer, fasting. *Matthew 6 Powerful, because He receives the glory. Powerful, because His hand of favor is towards those who obey His secret things. All three subjects referenced in *Matthew 6 have applied to them these words: "Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Our minds must also comprehend that He sees our hearts as well. If our motivation is solely going through the motions to receive a reward I'm afraid the blessing(s) may not apply. If our motivation is for some sort of recognition I'm afraid the blessing(s) may not apply. 

In *Mark 9:33-34 Jesus asks His disciples a question that draws silence. They had just arrived in Capernaum and while resting in a house there He said, "What were you arguing about on the road?" I'm so curious what reasons they brought to the table as they reasoned with each other as to why they were the greatest. So curious. "But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest." Human nature - for the most part - is wired for recognition. Oh, that I - that we - could be a people of secrecy when it comes to serving Him. That I could come to the place where my servanthood comes with no strings attached and that I only serve because He sees. This gets repeated in my writing - and although my life hasn't mirrored this truth perfectly: He. Is. Enough. His grace is enough. The beautifully ironic thing about God is that He IS a rewarder. When you and I step back and let Him flow through us He is generous with His gifts. Humility comes before honor. *Proverbs 15:33 *Proverbs 18:12 You know what else is ironic? How quickly then, we as humans mishandle the honor. What an important reason to stay accountable. The Bible has some revealing stories of both those who handled the honor and stayed humble before Him & those that soberingly, did not. 

I was reminded this week of God's work in Gideon's life *Judges 7 when He asked him to lead the Israelites against the Midianites. 32,000 men had joined Gideon to fight against the enemy. God came to Gideon one morning while they were camped south of the Midianites and said these revealing words: "You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me: ""My own strength has saved me."" He surely knows our weaknesses, does He not?;) Gideon ended up with only 300 men to fight against the Midianites. It's a fascinating story, chocked full of life lessons. 

Humans will always wrestle with humility and being content with doing things in secret. But the truth is that the more that we spend time with Him in secret the more we will be able to work undercover and be content with it. In the secret places with Him He is our Wonderful Counselor who frees us from and heals our pride, our envy, our anguish, whatever you can name. When we are in our closets with the door closed *Matthew 6:6 and it's dark - it's His light that shines. In His light we see light! *Psalm 36:9 I would not want to write on this subject without mentioning the fact that when you spend time with the Light, you cannot help but reflect it. We ARE the light of the world in a dark place that NEEDS it. *Matthew 5:15-16 But reflecting His light so that others glorify God is a completely different way to live from subtly hinting or blatantly stating what all we do for the Kingdom. 

The above subject is enough for me to pray "Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me..." *Psalm 51:10 Oh, for the wisdom and the conviction to be a light that shines for Him and has nothing to do with me. 

How different this world would be if we as Christians lived remembering and recognizing that God sees. (It is profound for me to try to wrap my brain around!) There are NO secrets with Him. None. If we lived remembering that as we go about our days everything we do is as unto Him. *Colossians 3: 23-24 Whether we are spoon feeding our infant that can do nothing for him or herself when we'd like to just feed ourselves first for once (have I been there? Oh yes.) or whether we are completing a not-so-pleasant task that our boss has asked of us or volunteering of our time or... 
Surely. Surely we would never live half-heartedly again.

We'd be bright lights shining in secret and unseen places. 

Because secret places can be dark. Much evil is done in secret with the misconception that no one has seen or will see. Much is done in secret with the misconception that half-hearted effort when no one is looking is ok. Much is done in secret that we would never dream of doing or attempt to do in front of an audience. But there is always an audience of One. The One to whom we will all someday give an account to. *Romans 14: 11-13 It is not my intention to strike hellfire fear into everyone with that statement. Although He is the perfect and righteous Judge and I believe we would do well to allow ourselves to be reminded of His Holiness and our unworthiness, *Isaiah 6:5 *Revelation 4 I say that most of all to state the truth. It actually gives me comfort to know that one day all the wrong in this world will be brought to justice. That Truth will reign. That there will be no more half-given, twisted truth by the media. No more corrupted leadership. No more back-biting in quiet places. No more dishonest gain. No more evil succeeding seemingly without accountability or justice. But with that reality comes a sobering feeling as well. Because judgement for many on that day will bring much sorrow for sins committed. It's thoughts like these that burden my heart for the lost who are not covered under His blood. 

Thank God for grace. 

Thank God for His name El Roi. Does His name bring you dread or freedom? Dread, because the things you know you shouldn't be doing in secret are more desirable to you than the freedom He can give you from those very things? Does His name bring you contentment or dissatisfaction? Dissatisfaction, because knowing that He sees is simply not enough to bring you contentment in your service for Him. You'd just love for even one person to know of your sacrifice or service. His name has been changing me (for the last year and a half especially.) His name has convicted me and checked my motives many times. Am I a work in progress? I would hope you'd call me out if I'd say I had arrived and lived this with perfection. Yes, I am a work in progress, but with His help I HAVE made progress. In what specific ways? Well, that's for me to know and if He so desires, for you to find out about. ;) 

Go, friend. Be a secret agent for Him and enjoy meeting with Him in secret, relishing His presence. 

Maybe sometime we will cross paths on a shared secret mission and you will look at me and be kind enough to tell me that I have colored lip balm smeared out of the lines of my mouth. And, I will thank you.

Jules

[live] from the desert

I've been at this place before, and I didn't like it any better then. But, I write to you from where I am right now - and it's smack dab in the middle of a wilderness walk. God seems more silent in these times and my quickest response has always been to become a little unnerved. Like: "Hmmmmm, I must've done something that displeased Him... He must be unhappy with me..." Etc., etc. I begin searching my life for wrongdoing until it becomes unhealthy. Until it becomes guilt-ridden and I forget that not only is He faithful to show me where I'm wrong, He does not come in condemnation, (*Revelation 12:10 explains who does) but in conviction. Two VERY separate words! The ironic and somewhat confusing thing for me though as I contemplated why I found myself in this place, is that several months ago I began a guided plan to read the through the entire Bible in a year. I have LOVED it so far. As in, I can't wait to dig into another story every morning! Another truth. I seriously look forward to it every day. I've never done something like it and it's been a huge blessing. I've been soaking it up.

Soon after is when I began to see glimpses of a desert. The path of my Christian walk right now has taken me from glimpses - to walking right out into it and I always fight it. Sure, sometimes my own flesh leads me there. As in, I become too "busy" in life to stay right next to Jesus and the next thing I know I'm feeling really lonely. Or, I simply don't want to feel constantly nudged and prompted and spurred by the One who cares most about me and does it for my own good. I'd rather just enjoy the "He sings over me" *Zephaniah 3:17 and  make my own choices for awhile. But this time a lot of time had been spent with Him. It seems when I convince myself that He is unhappy with me the less I find time to pray as well. (pssst. that's not a good thing to allow to happen)

I didn't stop praying altogether. Prayer has actually become a continuous thing for me throughout the day, which didn't necessarily change - but what did change was the intentional time of prayer that I normally have when I'm reading my Bible as well. Where I sit and be still. (Some days, there are more ants in pants than other days, but I think you get what I mean). The older I get and the closer I become to Him, the quicker I feel empty when I don't intentionally spend quiet time with Him. I begin to understand those Israelites and why they acted the way they did a little more *Exodus 32 because when I feel empty, I listen to the temptation that a new blouse will give me that boost that I need. A new household item will spruce up the place and give me a boost. You will never find me saying that shopping is wrong. I don't believe that. But I do know that it is amazingly easy to fill our emptiness with "things" in this land of the free and the home of the brave. "Things" have become huge idols to people and although God has taught me much about guarding my heart against it, I fall prey. I'm going to interject a story here...

Several years ago I went through David Nasser's "A Call To Die - A 40 day journey of fasting from the world and feasting on God" devotional. I do not lie when I say it is SHA-MAZING. If you let it, it will change you immensely. He suggests that while you go through the book, you choose to eliminate something from your life. Whether it be, television, coffee, shopping, you name it. Whatever you struggle to control or what has simply become so routine that you think you can't live without it. I had actually gone through this book several years prior and decided for this time I was going to do something a little different. I chose shopping for unneeded items - but instead of eliminating it altogether I asked God to guide me and help me to simply use self-control. To follow His "yay" or "nay". (I feel like I need to state a disclaimer. I don't spend out of our reach:) But, I can be an impulse shopper most definitely!) To walk away from items when He asked me to and to rejoice in what He gave and affirmed me to enjoy. One particular weekend, my husband was leaving for an overnight stay to spend some time doing what he loves for a hobby. (He owns and loves beagles. There are hunting competitions for them. That's as far as I'm going to explain or elaborate about it. Otherwise, it would take a while);) With my newfound "free" time I thought how fun it would be to take the kids and head to the outlet mall about an hour - fifteen minutes from our house. (My kids were so excited too) lol I realized as I was headed out the door that I had not asked God to guide me in my choice yet. I did a quickie little prayer and had an immediate response. "Today's not a good day." Looking back it was a clear directing but it soon became evident how much I really wanted to go though, because suddenly the "reasoning" in my mind began..."Hmmm, I may have just conjured that one up in my mind" "Not sure I heard that one correctly?" "Does He even really care when it comes right down to it?!" The reasoning turned into me heading on down the road to the outlet mall because this one time wouldn't hurt. We have about an hours drive on the interstate to the exit where we get off for the last fifteen minutes into the city. The kids and I were ten miles from our exit and I'm getting excited:) My favorite store has an outlet there and even though I get there maybe once or twice a year it makes me smile just walking into their store. Where were we.... Oh yes, ten miles away! And we come to complete stop. Ok...I can deal with a little delay...no biggie... But the delay turned into a good forty-five minutes or longer. People were hanging out outside of their cars and truckers especially, investigated enough that they found out that a vehicle had exploded ahead of us. (I honestly don't remember a whole lot of the details now, but I found out later that some were stuck on the interstate until the middle of the night). We finally began creeping forward. There was an exit (the last one before my exit of choice) that I was able to turn around at to head home. "If I had been two miles ahead I may have been close enough to the explosion to injure us. If I had been two miles ahead I wouldn't have been able to turn around to go home. The kids and I would have been stuck out here with those who couldn't move until the wee hours of the morning". My thoughts on the way home. There was no need for God to scream the lessons I learned that night. He's not against shopping - He just knows what's BEST for us. He cares about the smallest of details in our lives and He wants to be included in them. And, He does not treat us as our sins deserve. *Psalm 103:10 He graciously took care of me that day in spite of my selfishness and ignoring what I felt Him telling me. Gallons of gas wasted. Important lessons learned.

Yet still, in this desert place, I forgot those for a moment as I grasped for a few "fillers" in my perceived loneliness. Perhaps those Israelites weren't quite as ignorant as what we can easily believe them to be. *Exodus 32 (vs. 1 says A LOT)

This past Monday things kind of came to a head for me and after I had gotten my kids off to school that morning, I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out to my little cafe table outside. I KNEW who was behind the convincing that God wouldn't hear me during this desert time. I was mad at him (the enemy) and I was frustrated with myself for believing it. I had had enough. I also realized I wasn't sure how to start in telling God exactly how I felt, i.e. the frustration of being in the desert and feeling just simply lonely, the sorrow I felt for filling the need for Him with other small, insignificant things, etc. I had just downloaded Matt Maher's song "Lord, I Need You" onto my phone and it came to my mind as I struggled with where to begin. I grabbed my phone and closed my eyes as it started, realizing how perfect the words were as a prayer when I wasn't sure what to say. By the time the song ended tears were running down my cheeks and I spilled my guts to Him. I pictured Him across the table from me as I gained momentum the more I talked:) When I got done I felt 10 gazillion times better. Not that flashes of lightening happened and the clouds rolled away. Not fireworks. Not a fatted calf with a party. But, He gave me just what I needed. Peace. Sometimes He speaks to me through a mental picture, and for a moment I saw Him across the table from me love flowing from His eyes. He gave me the clarity that for now, I was in a desert place, BUT. HE. WAS. WITH. ME.

Several days later I was tearing wallpaper off of my dining room walls. (Let me go on record as saying: If I E.V.E.R. in any way hint or say that I would like wallpaper on a wall in my house again - remove that idea from the mind as quickly as possible!! I would say just shoot me right then, but my, that seems a little harsh) The person whom invented wallpaper should've been punished long ago... hehe:) BUT, 14 years ago it WAS popular. And, Ed's aunt did a wonderful job of making so it wasn't a total and complete bear to take down - for that I AM grateful. :) *rabbit trail* In the midst of my time-consuming job, God met me. (Believe it or not, the enthusiasm of my kids in helping rip it off didn't last very long);) I had lots of time to myself while the rest of my family caught up on Duck Dynasty episodes. Yep, we're fans. I've said it more than once, but I'm so grateful He meets us in even the most mundane of tasks. Floor mopping and during laundry days. Sweeping out the car and tearing wallpaper off of the wall. Even taking out the trash. I felt Him speak over me these words: "Has it not occurred to you that sometimes I lead my people into the desert?!" It hit me that in the desert place I had met up with Sarai's Egyptian slave named Hagar and her son Isaac . *Genesis 16: 1-3 *Genesis 21 God BEAUTIFULLY provided for them in the desert. I had met up with David - who spent much time in the desert and wilderness running from Saul. *I Samuel 23 has a beautiful depiction of God providing a safe place for David in the desert. I had marched alongside and been encouraged by the story of thousands upon thousands of Israelites whom God led through the desert as a way of escape from Pharaoh and his burdensome regiment over them. *Exodus 12 And, amazingly I met up with my Savior as I remembered His time in the wilderness. *Matthew 4: 1-11 Not only did He enter the desert, HE WAS LED THERE. Not because He had committed a sin. Not because God was unhappy with Him. But, because it was in God's perfect plan that He be tested and that He OVERCOME that temptation. As I pulled wallpaper off my walls I was flooded with all that God wanted me to learn in this desert place. A few:

• That He is still with me in this desert place whether I "felt" Him or not. Our emotions cannot dictate what we believe. *Hebrews 13: 5-6 *Psalm 139: 7-12 
• That all the devouring of scripture I was pursuing was necessary and a much needed tool to equip me against the enemy and his temptation toward discouragement and lust to fill my void. Let's fill our camel humps up with the Word of God!! It will help us to thrive, instead of just survive. In Jesus' own wilderness experience He used scripture to overcome evil. *Matthew 4: 1-11 I also find it so interesting that my own void fillers so easily become new "things" (And, when they are on sale - ALL THE BETTER!! *sigh* It's still a trap) and that *Hebrews 5:13 that I mentioned above equates the love of money and being discontent with what we have as forgetting that He never leaves us nor forsakes us!!!!!! Er, if that one didn't hit me square between the eyes...
• He also opened my eyes to the fact that in the desert place I stay humble as well. No longer can one have a "look down on someone" attitude because they are not "spiritual enough" to stay out of the desert. That a leading into the desert place is sometimes His will (when we aren't deliberately walking away from Him and end up there on our own) and can be a healthy place of growing and relying on Him in new ways. That He provides an oasis at just the right time. In *Isaiah 32: 1-6 the prophet begins to describe The Kingdom of Righteousness (that's the heading at the top of my chapter). *Verse 2 ends with the words "like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land..." [NIV] Is that not a beautiful description of what He can provide in the desert place? 

I feel that I am still in the desert place, (reporting to you live...believe me) but this week God brought the beginning of much peace and clarity to me in this place. In the verses from *Isaiah 32 that I mentioned above, *verse 4 speaks volumes of my experiences this week: "The fearful heart will know and understand, and the stammering tongue will be fluent and clear." [NIV] My heart has found a resting place in that I do not have to fear that I am here because I messed up too bad. I can have confidence that He will lead and convict me gently just as He always has. At my cafe table earlier this week He gave my stammering tongue direction. By the time I got done praying I was one brave she-warrior again slinging the Truth of His Word at that disgusting enemy. I was trusting Him to provide protection out in the wilderness and to bring me His living water as an oasis. 

While I do not want to stay in this place, and don't believe He will keep me in this place, I am at peace. And, as long as He continues to lead me in this place - I beg of Him to keep my heart soft. That He continue to be patient with me as I learn. 

And... if you are walking the wilderness right now too - let's walk together and encourage each other, ok?? Instead of bashing each other in a state of grouchiness from the heat - let's stick up for each other!! Let's sharpen each other. *Proverbs 27:17 Let's arm ourselves for battle out here. *Ephesians 6: 10-18 The enemy has a plan. Apparently he thinks he's got an edge out in this lonely place... But, we have a Commander who has already won. I suppose that's NUFF'. SAID.  (I may have just yelled a little loud - but the heat out here can get to ya after awhile...)  

With blistery toes and a sweaty brow, I still love Him dearly. He's amazing. On the way home from a trip to town several days ago I sang to Him. I sang, "When I'm found in that desert place...though I walk through the wilderness...BLES-SED BE YOUR NAME." And, I meant it.

I love you, too. And I welcome your advice or encouragement in this place.

Jules

[holding onto] a holy hemline

Several years ago I was invited to a going away party. My friend was undergoing changes to her body because of breast cancer and we were invited to come walk along side of her and encourage her for an evening before she let go of the diseased part of her body through surgery. We were supposed to bring gifts that were the color yellow. Little rays of sunshine that would brighten her day(s) in the coming weeks.

I love yellow. It's my favorite color. Bright, cheerful, and such a happy color. What's not to love!?!? :)

I had so much fun putting my little package together. I so badly wanted everything to turn out well for my friend. For God to bring healing to her body through His touch and/or the medical staff caring for her. As I was thinking about what all I could give that would be uplifting and encouraging, one particular day my mind went to the story of the woman in the Bible who touched the hem of Jesus' garment and was healed. *Matt 9:20-22 *Mark 5:24-34 *Luke 8:43-47 I remembered that I had a pair of old yellow shorts that didn't fit anymore and were waiting to be put on a garage sale or into a Goodwill bin and had a (God!) idea come to me. I took my pair of scissors and cut off the hems of each leg hole. I kept one, and put the other one into her gift from me. I explained to her that I would be keeping one for myself to symbolically hold every time I prayed for her - trusting and believing God for healing for her just as the woman was healed when she touched the hem of Jesus' garment. The other one was for her to do the same thing with. I couldn't help it, I cried that night as I explained why I gave her a piece of fabric. God, in His goodness, brought healing to my friend. She is doing well today and I rejoice in that! I have never thrown away the hemline that I kept. It has become to me a powerful symbol as I pray for healing to come to friends and family that are suffering.

The woman I spoke of above - that physically was able to reach out and touch Jesus' cloak as he walked and was jostled and bumped around from the crowd of people around him - who had spent her money on doctor after doctor only to have her condition worsen - who in desperation brushed her fingertips against a piece of material worn by the only One who could save her - she had a happy ending too. Twelve years of suffering GONE in an instant. She realizes immediately that she has been healed within her body. And, not only was she healed, but the Healer spoke to her, encouraged her faith, and sent her off in peace - the sent her off in peace part being very significant to me because minutes earlier she had been absolutely terrified: I can only imagine her delight, her smile, her amazement, and her thought process as she realized she had been healed. But her thoughts get interrupted. She realizes that above the noise of the crowd Jesus is asking who touched Him?! She realizes that everyone around Him is of course denying it and also hears his disciples begin to try to reason with Him. "Master, it most likely was just someone bumping into you because of the amount of people around us. There are so many...could it not have been an accident?" (It's intriguing to imagine what was running through their heads when Jesus kept asking "Who?" ... :)) The question Jesus is asking is one that fills her with fear. I suppose one could speculate for various reasons why she may have been afraid? But, I personally believe it had to do with the fact that according to Jewish law she would have been labeled as unclean. *Leviticus 15:25 She would have spent years experiencing people move away from her in an attempt to remain clean themselves. Surely loneliness was part of her experience. Surely she feared the consequences of her actions when she touched this great man of God - whom we now know as the very Son of God. The Bible mentions that she finally realized she was not going to get away with not saying anything, so she comes forward in confession with heart pounding I'm sure. Feeling very exposed. (Possibly what I felt in my dreams last night...I dreamt I was in public and had forgotten to wear certain articles of clothing. Oh my word! Where does this stuff come from?!? Those - those are mortifying dreams I tell you!) She met not punishment nor disgrace, but GRACE and LOVE. How her heart and life must have been changed that day. 

Stories like these are easier for me to step back from and say, "God, You are so powerful. You are good and You are able to heal in miraculous ways." Easier for me to step back and praise His name for healing answers to prayer. Lately, my heart has been hurting for a lot of people though. Friends and family that are dealing with painful and heart-wrenching loss(es). And while they know that God is still all-powerful and good and I know that God is still powerful and good - it's HARD and TOUGH to see the pain of loss happen in various circumstances in their lives. There is simply no formula in asking for God's healing that makes it always turn out the way we would like. I have posted about pain before and my heart has revisited the reality of it again lately. 

I have come to the conclusion that it is necessary to CLING to Jesus and His hemline at all times. Reaching out for Him when we are in the midst of painful circumstances is a good thing. A necessary thing. A sustaining thing when we feel we c.a.n.n.o.t. go on. We have though, the opportunity through the Holy Spirit to be with Him at all times. I have come to this conclusion because I have decided deep down inside of me that Jesus wasn't joking nor mentioned it casually when He said, "Deny yourself, take up your cross daily and follow Me..." *Luke 9:23 And that when God's Word declares that if God is for us, NOTHING can be against us *Romans 8:31 and that God is perfection, *Matthew 5:48 I am choosing to believe it with every part of me. And that even though walking with Him may include loss and hurts that I may never understand the reasons for, that being with Him and living within His will is where I want to be  - rather than living outside of His will pain-free. Will I most likely go kicking and screaming into His will at some points in my life? Well, yes. But may the roots of what I believe resound louder than the pain because anything apart from His will, is against His will and from the enemy - which scares me far more. If I get my own way, the consequences may be far more devastating than His perfect will.

Where will life take me? Even if I am clinging to an all-powerful, able-to-save-from-anything God? Maybe not all of these below, but most likely the majority of them:

Through high waters & fire. *Isaiah 43:2

Through the valley of the shadow of death. *Psalm 23:4

Through betrayal and separation. *Job 19:14 *Psalm 88:8,18 *Psalm 31:11 *Psalm 27:10

To exhaustion - whether it be from taking care of small children (I came close to believing that my children would NEVER exit the diapers-bottles-unable to communicate with words-stage. No joke.) or illness or physical labor or... *Isaiah 40:30

I have no doubts that you could help me keep on writing this list. Not an easy list. (What I do love about this list are His promises to be with us!)

With there being no tried and true formula to keep us from hardship and pain, how do we go about "doing life"? Except to hold onto the holy hemline that contains the power to do everything through Christ who strengthens you and I. *Philippians 4:13 To trust that He will keep us in His good and perfect will and will show us when we've chosen our own way. To trust His promises that He. is. with. us. (I could write numerous references pertaining to this, but for this time I'm going to challenge you to look for them. I know He'd love to show you!) To trust that He will lead us to green pastures and still waters *Psalm 23:2 even if the path to get there is not what we are asking for or even confoundedly confuses us.

It can be so hard at times to watch others go through painful circumstances. We wish to take it all away. We feel helpless. We watch and feel without the all-sufficient grace that I believe is offered to those directly experiencing the pain of their circumstances. What an abundant blessing though, to be able to pray on behalf of others. To share with God exactly how we're feeling about the difficulties we're going through or what others are going through.

"Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not (NOT) (NOT) (NOT) give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'
"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even thought I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!"
And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" *Luke 18:1-8

We as humans, we're pretty good at giving up on prayer. We give up on praying for others because we have enough worries of our own. We give up praying for our own circumstances because the answers aren't coming or the answers weren't what we wanted. We give up praying because we can be mighty impatient creatures. This is another list that I'm sure you could all help me make into a long one, but I think you get my point...

The truth is that His timing is not our timing. The truth is that at times He will wow us with His quick response, and at other times His timing requires waiting - or possibly us not even seeing the answers to our prayers within our lifetime. But it is important to keep praying. I have had times when I've been too exhausted to pray anymore. Too angry to know exactly what to say, etc. Consider this wonderful promise when we are at this point: *Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God." I find this amazingly comforting, amazingly encouraging because we are prayed for within the will of God, (!!) and makes me amazingly grateful to my God. Not to be used as an excuse not to pray, but definitely a wonderful promise to trust in when we are at the end of ourselves. What does your prayer life look like on behalf of others? On behalf of your own circumstances? I'll be doing a reality check on myself if you'd like to join me in doing one on yourself. Prayer is too powerful to leave behind. Can I also challenge you to intentionally pray for someone when you say that are going to? The phrase "you have my prayers" can be comforting to others, but how easy it can be not to follow through. It is encouraging to me, and I'm sure to you, when you hear that from someone that you KNOW will be lifting you up to the throne of grace. I want to be that someone.

"pray continually," *I Thessalonians 5:17 The challenge is laid out before us with those two simple words. Because I believe God is continually with me, I have come to the place where I talk to Him a lot throughout my day. Even if it's just one sentence at a time! I'm so thankful He is there. Honestly, my prayers haven't always changed my circumstances but they have at times changed ME and my attitude - a blessing in disguise:

The following is a quote that won't apply to all times of difficulty but I share it to encourage those to whom it does or will apply. Years ago I went through a difficult time of God "pruning" my life. Clippers are painful, I ain't gonna lie! (Hahaha - the computer says ain't isn't a word...) I LOVE the fact that I am surrounded with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that are willing to help me through difficult times - I can't stress that enough. But for this particular time in my life I had no doubts that God had asked me to walk this particular path alone and to rely on Him alone as far as sharing it with anyone else. As painful as this time was, I can look back on it with much gratitude. During this time I ran across a quote in Jan Dravecky's book entitled "A Joy I'd Never Known". She wrote of how she had been reading the seventeenth-century writings of Fenelon during a time of difficulty in her life. His letters were written to encourage Christians being persecuted for their faith in the court of Louis XIV. In letter 10 he wrote these words: "Though it sounds strange to say it, I'm rejoicing that God has reduced you to a state of weakness. Your ego can neither be convinced or forced into submission by any other means. It is always finding secret lines of supply from your courage. It is always finding impenetrable retreats in your own cleverness. It was hidden from your eyes while it fed upon the subtle poison of an apparent generosity, as you constantly sacrificed yourself for others. But now God has forced it to cry aloud; To come forth into open day and display its excessive jealousy. Oh, how painful but how beneficial are these times of weakness." You know how there are times when you read something the second, third, or fourth time and it sinks in in a new and profound way? I had read this book years before and now was flipping through it years later during this difficult time in my life. It jumped out at me as I flipped - and I cried. I cried because I saw God in my difficult circumstance and the truth that my pain was bringing forth the fruit of relying fully on Him and not on myself (Oh, how He loves to have us resting and relying on Him 110%...I say that with tears in my eyes because I know the process is not easy. Nuf' said.) in a very real way. Pain and loss releases an intimacy with God and a true reliance on God that can be lacking during peaceful and happy times. He just may be teaching you that are relying more on yourself and your own strength than what you think you are. If that is you, don't be afraid. Be bold and courageous enough to let your eyes be opened and your heart set free. It's one of the most healing things I've ever experienced.

I recently downloaded C.S. Lewis' book "The Problem of Pain". As I feel surrounded by hurting people, I guess I found myself longing to understand pain just a little more, and the role it plays in the Christian walk. It is inevitable. I want to be able to bring hope and encouragement to those who walk in pain.  

Hold on tight to that Holy Hemline. Grasp it with a grip that resolves not to let go. There is SO much power there and there is room for everyone to have a place to hold onto. Pray continually. There is SO much power there. In speaking honestly to God. In relying on the Holy Spirit to speak on our behalf when we are speechless. In trusting and relying on Him 110%. In asking for healing and mercy and that He would take our pain away. And in the end, asking that His will be done. So much power.

There have been many times where I have ended my cries for help for myself or others with: "To You who are able to do more than I could ever ask or imagine, I thank You for hearing my prayers. And if the results don't come as quickly as I might like them to or if the answers aren't what I wanted them to be, I trust Your will and believe that You are still working..." Some days it requires more faith to say these words, but it does remind me where I want my focus to be.

If you look into the future and it looks exhausting, daunting, or overwhelming - if I can pray for you, let me know. I also am grateful in knowing that many of you would be willing to pray for me as well! "Let us pray for each other, not faint by the way - in this sad world of sorrow and pain..." I pray that in His time He turns your wailing into dancing - removes your sackcloth - and clothes you with joy in it's place. *Psalm 30:11

My favorite verse is *Romans 12:12: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Today, it seems to sum up what I've wanted to communicate in this post.

Hugs [xx] to you and yours, (or maybe I should say: a one-armed hug to you while I use my other arm to grasp that hemline...)

Jules

one [love] two love, red love, blue love.

I had been just recently engaged and was still working as a waitress when I had a conversation with an elderly man from my church that had come into the restaurant to eat. He congratulated me on my engagement and then finished it with: "I know you are excited and in love, but you really do not know true love..." I was only 20 at the time, but I did know enough to recognize that he spoke the truth. He and his wife had been married for decades. They understood commitment. Loving the unlovely in each other. Dedication when there weren't always lovey feelings between the two of them. They understood forgiveness of faults and imperfections.

God often speaks to me in themes. I have yet to figure out if my skull is so thick that He has to emphasize a lot? hehe. (But, really...) Nevertheless, I've learned to pay attention to the reoccurring themes. The past months have been a re emphasis on love. (This post is not about marriage or spouses, although those that are married can relate) At the very beginning of this blog I asked God to help me blog with love because very simply and plainly put in His word is His admonition that we can do many things, but if we have not love, we gain nothing - we are nothing - and our words and actions are just, well, loud nonsense noise. *I Corinthians 13: 1-3 I kinda don't want to be a loser, ya know? He's been really faithful at answering my prayers. And while the word love can conjure up warm fuzzies for young lovers in a heartbeat, I have learned in my short lifetime that love is not an easy thing.

It is sacrificial. 

It takes a look at self and says: I will live without impatience (even as an American). I will not be unkind. I will not live wanting what others have - whether it be their possessions, accomplishments, personality, on and on, yada yada...I will not envy them. I will not brag about myself and my accomplishments. I will not live with an ego and an aire about me that makes others feel small or less than who they are. I will not demand attention be given to me. I won't be rude. I don't have to have me taken care of first and foremost. I won't require that people meet my demands before I accept their love. I won't fly off the handle over upsets. I won't live with an unforgiving heart - I won't replay mentally wrongs done to me to nurse my wounds. I won't justify evil. I won't bristle and roll my eyes when the truth is revealed and spoken. I won't be afraid to defend the truth. I won't stand back and watch or join in when others are gossiped about or put down. I won't rely on and focus on the worst in others. I won't bring others down with my negativity and bad attitudes. I will not take the easy way out or around. I will. not. quit. on my God, on myself, and on others. (opposites adapted from) *I Corinthians 13: 4-7

I'm going to excuse myself now to go lie down and take a nap. That paragraph of "being perfect" was exhausting to read. It's exhausting to remember how imperfect I am. *sigh

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." *Lamentations 3: 21-23

This verse has become even more meaningful to me in the past several months...let me explain why...

Have you ever stopped to meditate on God's love? It is becoming more and more important to me to ask God often to enable me, with His power, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to KNOW this love that surpasses knowledge. *Ephesians 3:18-19 I am convinced that the more you and I grasp His great love for us - and that we BELIEVE unswervingly that He does love and cherish us as individuals without question - that it will enable us to love beyond what we thought possible.

God is love. *I John 4:16 Love is not just a feeling to Him. His very being, His very character, His very essence is love. He is perfect love. *I Samuel 22:31 *Psalm 18:30 His love never fails. *I Cor. 13:8 He loves us perfectly. And because He does, He is all we need. He. is. enough. And He loved us, first. *I John 4:19 When we were born into a sin-filled world and have lived imperfect lives - He sent His own Son to die for you and I. *Romans 5:8 And even now, He disciplines His children because He loves them. (US!) Proverbs 3:11-12

I am not a fan of gruesome. I'm not a fan of violence. I will turn my face or change a channel as quick as anyone to avoid it. But, I think it is a healthy thing at times to be reminded of the suffering that occurred so that you and I might have life. To sit and reflect on the descriptions and portrayals of Jesus' sacrifice that the Bible gives us. Anguish so strong His sweat came like drops of blood. *Luke 22:44 [possibly hematidrosis - the actual mingling of blood and sweat as in cases of extreme anguish, strain, or sensitivity] A crown made out of thorns was crafted for His head. (I step in one pricker and I'm dancing on one foot until I get it out!) He was beaten on the head with a stick after it was placed on His head. Over and over. *Matthew 27: 29-30 *Mark 15: 17, 19 He was mocked, spit upon, and flogged. His appearance became disfigured beyond that of any man and His form marred beyond human likeness. *Isaiah 52:14 And then, He endured the torment of crucifixion from the third hour *Mark 15:25 to the ninth hour. *Mark 15: 34, 37 It is difficult to fathom that kind of love.

This is love #1: That He loved us first. *I John 4:10

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." *Ephesians 5:1-2

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." *I John 4:11

This is love #2: When His love becomes so real and so tangible in our own lives, that it fills us and spills out - with joy - from our own hearts to others.  

I Corinthians 13 is a highly popular chapter on love, as it should be. But, I have found it helpful to dig for other love treasures as well. Here are some of my favorites. "Love must be sincere..." *Romans 12:9 I don't need to pause at all in saying it doesn't feel good when I feel the recipient of insincere love. Pretty sure you'd agree?? "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." *Matthew 5:44 *Romans 12:14 In my past God has asked me the probing question: What does your prayer life look like, Julie? Does it include lifting up those that have hurt you? (What forgiveness does NOT do is excuse the wrong. God is a just God. He's got your back! *Romans 12:19 Make a conscious effort to hand it over to Him and live free. Be honest with Him about your hurt. He knows the truth already.) "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth." *I John 3:18 You know that phrase: Actions speak louder than words. ? Well, there's a whole lot of truth to that. It can be a WHOLE lot easier to say "I believe in love" than to take action and live sacrificially.    
  
This is red love: That we choose to live sold out. That we choose to honor Jesus' command to take up our cross and follow Him. That we love Him with our whole heart. And if we love Him - we obey His commands. *John 14:15 That we live with active confession in our lives, with active uprooting and renouncing of our sin.

Back to the verse from Lamentations 3...I have always read that verse in the context of "we are not consumed" by destruction because of our sin and His wrath against sin. And while I still read it that way, I felt God giving me a different perspective over these last several months. That because of His great love, we can live *not consumed* by whatever sin or struggle is binding us. Because of the Lord's great love:
I can live free from bitterness.
I can live free from overeating. From indulging the flesh.
I can live free from undisciplined use of my time.
I can live free from jealousy.
I can live free from impatience.
I can live free from fear.
I don't have to fear that I am not doing enough. I don't have to fear that I cannot overcome my sin. I don't have to fear that He is the angry God that is waiting to strike me down. Instead, I will accept His perfect love. For it drives out my fear. *I John 4:18
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. *Philippians 4:13
I can live not consumed by what drags me down.
This was of great comfort and encouragement to me. May God use it to give you the same.
You can live free from being consumed with ______________. Because of His great love.

Join me in consciously keeping the love in our lives red hot and on fire?! *Revelation 3:15 It is i.m.p.o.r.t.a.n.t. It is important because of the threat of blue love.

This is blue love: The love of most growing cold in the end times. *Matthew 24:12 I could feel blue pretty quickly if I allow myself to look around me for very long. I say that because it doesn't take long to see love growing cold already. It seems rather harmless to let our hearts become a little icy around the edges, you know? To think: I'm tired of loving. I'm tired of living without what makes me "feel good". I'm tired of giving, without getting anything in return. The majority of the time the process isn't overnight, but the next thing we know - whether we are observing or have experienced it within our own hearts - the heart is one big iceberg and we no longer care about much else that doesn't involve taking care of "me". It is heartbreaking to observe. The words of a song from the group Petra fill my mind:

Don't let your heart be hardened.
Don't let your love grow cold.
May it always stay so childlike.
May it never grow too old.
Don't let your heart be hardened.
May it always know the cure:
Keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure.

Let His love rain down upon you.
Breaking up your fallow ground.
Let it loosen all the binding.
'Til only tenderness is found.

I feel like God has taken me back to the basics of love these past few months. Has reminded me of the greatest of these. Because, they'll know that we are Christians by our love. *John 13:35

No matter your circumstances right now, you are loved. Now matter how new you are to the Christian walk, and feel you may know so little, you are loved. No matter the depth of your sin, you are loved. He wants to free you from it. You may be disciplined by it. But, you. are. still. loved.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord". *Romans 8:37-39

Ok Dr. Seuss - you get one little shout-out for the help with pulling together the title of this blog. :)

To my God - I bow before You unworthy. You raise me up because of Your great love. Tomorrow, I want to grasp and know this great and true love of Yours a little more than I did today. My friends bow before you unworthy. You raise them up because of Your great love. Tomorrow, help them to grasp and know this great and true love of Yours a little more than they did today. You are committed to loving us. What a great and precious promise.

The elderly man from my church that I had the conversation with years ago is now face to face with the One who loved Him first. His bride is there too. And while he could still say to me "but you really do not know true love", I live with gratitude for the experiences that have enabled me to understand what I know to this day and I look forward to the pursuit of grasping it's depth until I'm standing beside them in the New Jerusalem.   

One day at a time sweet Jesus,

Jules