Soon after is when I began to see glimpses of a desert. The path of my Christian walk right now has taken me from glimpses - to walking right out into it and I always fight it. Sure, sometimes my own flesh leads me there. As in, I become too "busy" in life to stay right next to Jesus and the next thing I know I'm feeling really lonely. Or, I simply don't want to feel constantly nudged and prompted and spurred by the One who cares most about me and does it for my own good. I'd rather just enjoy the "He sings over me" *Zephaniah 3:17 and make my own choices for awhile. But this time a lot of time had been spent with Him. It seems when I convince myself that He is unhappy with me the less I find time to pray as well. (pssst. that's not a good thing to allow to happen)
I didn't stop praying altogether. Prayer has actually become a continuous thing for me throughout the day, which didn't necessarily change - but what did change was the intentional time of prayer that I normally have when I'm reading my Bible as well. Where I sit and be still. (Some days, there are more ants in pants than other days, but I think you get what I mean). The older I get and the closer I become to Him, the quicker I feel empty when I don't intentionally spend quiet time with Him. I begin to understand those Israelites and why they acted the way they did a little more *Exodus 32 because when I feel empty, I listen to the temptation that a new blouse will give me that boost that I need. A new household item will spruce up the place and give me a boost. You will never find me saying that shopping is wrong. I don't believe that. But I do know that it is amazingly easy to fill our emptiness with "things" in this land of the free and the home of the brave. "Things" have become huge idols to people and although God has taught me much about guarding my heart against it, I fall prey. I'm going to interject a story here...
Several years ago I went through David Nasser's "A Call To Die - A 40 day journey of fasting from the world and feasting on God" devotional. I do not lie when I say it is SHA-MAZING. If you let it, it will change you immensely. He suggests that while you go through the book, you choose to eliminate something from your life. Whether it be, television, coffee, shopping, you name it. Whatever you struggle to control or what has simply become so routine that you think you can't live without it. I had actually gone through this book several years prior and decided for this time I was going to do something a little different. I chose shopping for unneeded items - but instead of eliminating it altogether I asked God to guide me and help me to simply use self-control. To follow His "yay" or "nay". (I feel like I need to state a disclaimer. I don't spend out of our reach:) But, I can be an impulse shopper most definitely!) To walk away from items when He asked me to and to rejoice in what He gave and affirmed me to enjoy. One particular weekend, my husband was leaving for an overnight stay to spend some time doing what he loves for a hobby. (He owns and loves beagles. There are hunting competitions for them. That's as far as I'm going to explain or elaborate about it. Otherwise, it would take a while);) With my newfound "free" time I thought how fun it would be to take the kids and head to the outlet mall about an hour - fifteen minutes from our house. (My kids were so excited too) lol I realized as I was headed out the door that I had not asked God to guide me in my choice yet. I did a quickie little prayer and had an immediate response. "Today's not a good day." Looking back it was a clear directing but it soon became evident how much I really wanted to go though, because suddenly the "reasoning" in my mind began..."Hmmm, I may have just conjured that one up in my mind" "Not sure I heard that one correctly?" "Does He even really care when it comes right down to it?!" The reasoning turned into me heading on down the road to the outlet mall because this one time wouldn't hurt. We have about an hours drive on the interstate to the exit where we get off for the last fifteen minutes into the city. The kids and I were ten miles from our exit and I'm getting excited:) My favorite store has an outlet there and even though I get there maybe once or twice a year it makes me smile just walking into their store. Where were we.... Oh yes, ten miles away! And we come to complete stop. Ok...I can deal with a little delay...no biggie... But the delay turned into a good forty-five minutes or longer. People were hanging out outside of their cars and truckers especially, investigated enough that they found out that a vehicle had exploded ahead of us. (I honestly don't remember a whole lot of the details now, but I found out later that some were stuck on the interstate until the middle of the night). We finally began creeping forward. There was an exit (the last one before my exit of choice) that I was able to turn around at to head home. "If I had been two miles ahead I may have been close enough to the explosion to injure us. If I had been two miles ahead I wouldn't have been able to turn around to go home. The kids and I would have been stuck out here with those who couldn't move until the wee hours of the morning". My thoughts on the way home. There was no need for God to scream the lessons I learned that night. He's not against shopping - He just knows what's BEST for us. He cares about the smallest of details in our lives and He wants to be included in them. And, He does not treat us as our sins deserve. *Psalm 103:10 He graciously took care of me that day in spite of my selfishness and ignoring what I felt Him telling me. Gallons of gas wasted. Important lessons learned.
Yet still, in this desert place, I forgot those for a moment as I grasped for a few "fillers" in my perceived loneliness. Perhaps those Israelites weren't quite as ignorant as what we can easily believe them to be. *Exodus 32 (vs. 1 says A LOT)
This past Monday things kind of came to a head for me and after I had gotten my kids off to school that morning, I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out to my little cafe table outside. I KNEW who was behind the convincing that God wouldn't hear me during this desert time. I was mad at him (the enemy) and I was frustrated with myself for believing it. I had had enough. I also realized I wasn't sure how to start in telling God exactly how I felt, i.e. the frustration of being in the desert and feeling just simply lonely, the sorrow I felt for filling the need for Him with other small, insignificant things, etc. I had just downloaded Matt Maher's song "Lord, I Need You" onto my phone and it came to my mind as I struggled with where to begin. I grabbed my phone and closed my eyes as it started, realizing how perfect the words were as a prayer when I wasn't sure what to say. By the time the song ended tears were running down my cheeks and I spilled my guts to Him. I pictured Him across the table from me as I gained momentum the more I talked:) When I got done I felt 10 gazillion times better. Not that flashes of lightening happened and the clouds rolled away. Not fireworks. Not a fatted calf with a party. But, He gave me just what I needed. Peace. Sometimes He speaks to me through a mental picture, and for a moment I saw Him across the table from me love flowing from His eyes. He gave me the clarity that for now, I was in a desert place, BUT. HE. WAS. WITH. ME.
Several days later I was tearing wallpaper off of my dining room walls. (Let me go on record as saying: If I E.V.E.R. in any way hint or say that I would like wallpaper on a wall in my house again - remove that idea from the mind as quickly as possible!! I would say just shoot me right then, but my, that seems a little harsh) The person whom invented wallpaper should've been punished long ago... hehe:) BUT, 14 years ago it WAS popular. And, Ed's aunt did a wonderful job of making so it wasn't a total and complete bear to take down - for that I AM grateful. :) *rabbit trail* In the midst of my time-consuming job, God met me. (Believe it or not, the enthusiasm of my kids in helping rip it off didn't last very long);) I had lots of time to myself while the rest of my family caught up on Duck Dynasty episodes. Yep, we're fans. I've said it more than once, but I'm so grateful He meets us in even the most mundane of tasks. Floor mopping and during laundry days. Sweeping out the car and tearing wallpaper off of the wall. Even taking out the trash. I felt Him speak over me these words: "Has it not occurred to you that sometimes I lead my people into the desert?!" It hit me that in the desert place I had met up with Sarai's Egyptian slave named Hagar and her son Isaac . *Genesis 16: 1-3 *Genesis 21 God BEAUTIFULLY provided for them in the desert. I had met up with David - who spent much time in the desert and wilderness running from Saul. *I Samuel 23 has a beautiful depiction of God providing a safe place for David in the desert. I had marched alongside and been encouraged by the story of thousands upon thousands of Israelites whom God led through the desert as a way of escape from Pharaoh and his burdensome regiment over them. *Exodus 12 And, amazingly I met up with my Savior as I remembered His time in the wilderness. *Matthew 4: 1-11 Not only did He enter the desert, HE WAS LED THERE. Not because He had committed a sin. Not because God was unhappy with Him. But, because it was in God's perfect plan that He be tested and that He OVERCOME that temptation. As I pulled wallpaper off my walls I was flooded with all that God wanted me to learn in this desert place. A few:
- That He is still with me in this desert place whether I "felt" Him or not. Our emotions cannot dictate what we believe. *Hebrews 13: 5-6 *Psalm 139: 7-12
- That all the devouring of scripture I was pursuing was necessary and a much needed tool to equip me against the enemy and his temptation toward discouragement and lust to fill my void. Let's fill our camel humps up with the Word of God!! It will help us to thrive, instead of just survive. In Jesus' own wilderness experience He used scripture to overcome evil. *Matthew 4: 1-11 I also find it so interesting that my own void fillers so easily become new "things" (And, when they are on sale - ALL THE BETTER!! *sigh* It's still a trap) and that *Hebrews 5:13 that I mentioned above equates the love of money and being discontent with what we have as forgetting that He never leaves us nor forsakes us!!!!!! Er, if that one didn't hit me square between the eyes...
- He also opened my eyes to the fact that in the desert place I stay humble as well. No longer can one have a "look down on someone" attitude because they are not "spiritual enough" to stay out of the desert. That a leading into the desert place is sometimes His will (when we aren't deliberately walking away from Him and end up there on our own) and can be a healthy place of growing and relying on Him in new ways. That He provides an oasis at just the right time. In *Isaiah 32: 1-6 the prophet begins to describe The Kingdom of Righteousness (that's the heading at the top of my chapter). *Verse 2 ends with the words "like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land..." [NIV] Is that not a beautiful description of what He can provide in the desert place?
I feel that I am still in the desert place, (reporting to you live...believe me) but this week God brought the beginning of much peace and clarity to me in this place. In the verses from *Isaiah 32 that I mentioned above, *verse 4 speaks volumes of my experiences this week: "The fearful heart will know and understand, and the stammering tongue will be fluent and clear." [NIV] My heart has found a resting place in that I do not have to fear that I am here because I messed up too bad. I can have confidence that He will lead and convict me gently just as He always has. At my cafe table earlier this week He gave my stammering tongue direction. By the time I got done praying I was one brave she-warrior again slinging the Truth of His Word at that disgusting enemy. I was trusting Him to provide protection out in the wilderness and to bring me His living water as an oasis.
While I do not want to stay in this place, and don't believe He will keep me in this place, I am at peace. And, as long as He continues to lead me in this place - I beg of Him to keep my heart soft. That He continue to be patient with me as I learn.
And... if you are walking the wilderness right now too - let's walk together and encourage each other, ok?? Instead of bashing each other in a state of grouchiness from the heat - let's stick up for each other!! Let's sharpen each other. *Proverbs 27:17 Let's arm ourselves for battle out here. *Ephesians 6: 10-18 The enemy has a plan. Apparently he thinks he's got an edge out in this lonely place... But, we have a Commander who has already won. I suppose that's NUFF'. SAID. (I may have just yelled a little loud - but the heat out here can get to ya after awhile...)
With blistery toes and a sweaty brow, I still love Him dearly. He's amazing. On the way home from a trip to town several days ago I sang to Him. I sang, "When I'm found in that desert place...though I walk through the wilderness...BLES-SED BE YOUR NAME." And, I meant it.
I love you, too. And I welcome your advice or encouragement in this place.
Jules
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