resolved [01]

Maybe you've been around them too. Whether it's actually true or not, you can feel that they think they know more than you, or are simply better than you at something... - or all things, for that matter. I'm not sure I've ever heard of anyone that enjoys that kind of company. Usually people just react.

• by being annoyed
• with sarcasm
• anger
• ignoring the "bester"
• pitting it back on them
• feeling hurt
• lowered self-esteem
• gossip (I just accidentally typed "goosip." That strikes me a little funny. Like, as in a goose that can't keep it's mouth shut, or a goose that has to purse it's lips in order to sip...) *rabbit trail *keeping things light is good every once in awhile
• etc.

There are many who are better than me. That's the truth.

Can clean better than me. Can organize better than me. Are better at being a mom than me. Are more disciplined than me. Prioritize better than me. Are prettier than me. Are more creative than I am. You can name just about anything, really. In general, it doesn't really bother me when other people are better than me at something. I can't say I've NEVER felt the sting of someone letting me know I don't quite measure up, but overall it's not something I struggle with.

What does hit me every once in awhile though, is the frustration and/or discouragement I feel when my weaknesses blare loudly. Particularly when I know that my family is disappointed in me. They are such important people in my life and it's hard for me to swallow when I've let them down. (some of that is pride, I know) I do fully understand that we all make mistakes, yes. But I'm talking more about when I simply know better - know I should be using self-discipline and working on my weaknesses through His strength. It was the first week in January 2014 and I was cleaning. I don't enjoy cleaning. I'm just going to put that out there right now. :) I have a dear friend that has told me cleaning is something she would choose to do when she has free time/down time. She loves it. Um, what?!? I'm not there. :) (Truthfully though, I have prayed for God to help me find more joy in taking care of the home He has blessed us with. I'm still a work in progress. Heehee) I'm not saying I have never made a New Years' resolution, but I for sure can't remember the last time I made one. While I love the feeling of a fresh start, it has seemed kind of futile for me to suddenly make a commitment or wish to do something for 365 straight days. I guess I know my humanness all too well.

Back to the cleaning. I was discouraged. I had had a week where I felt my weaknesses blaring and my husband had let me know that he noticed as well. In general I'm pretty hard on myself, so sometimes I look back on moments like that and I realize not always is my self-scrutiny, or someone else's scrutiny of me valid, but the combination of the truth about my weaknesses and any unnecessary beating up of myself was very real as I went from room to room ridding them of dust and dirt. It's difficult for me not to imagine He's fed-up with me too when I'm in that mode. I was in our bathroom when I felt Him speak over me. "I love you in spite of yourself. I love you in your weakness. I'm willing to be your strength. I know you inside and out." *Hebrews 4:13

Psalm 139
1. You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.
2. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
3. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
4. Before a word is on my tongue You, Lord, know it completely.
5. You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

He whispered, "There is no one who can be you, better than YOU."

For the first time in forever, I was resolved. I had a New Year's resolution:

To open my heart so wide in the coming year that He has the most free reign possible to make me the best me that I can be.

I realize I can't really know what all that resolution will bring me through or what it may look like, but I wanted to do my part to begin the process. One of the most powerful things I have learned to do in my prayer life is to pray scripture over myself and those I am praying for. The word of God is living, active, and sharp. *Hebrews 4:12 It only makes sense that it works so powerfully when we claim and pray the perfect Truth into our lives.

I turned 40 on my last birthday. (One of my first thoughts was, "Wow, if I was an Israelite, I'd just now be leaving the desert and preparing to enter the Promised Land." That is astounding to me. I think of all I've done, everywhere I've been, and everything I've done in my lifetime, and I think: That's a long time!) I decided to begin opening my heart by compiling a list of at least 40 scriptures that I could begin to pray - requests and invites for Him to begin moving in me. I've felt Him wanting me to share some - maybe all of them eventually - with you, so this post will include the start of them.

• Hebrews 4:16 "Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." This for me, was the perfect starting point. I still have much to learn about grace. It is one of the truly beautiful and amazing things about God and Christianity.

God, I'm asking You today for confidence. First of all, for confidence to remember that You are able to empathize with ALL my weaknesses, *Hebrews 4:15 and that Your grace covers my sin. That when I come to You in confession, You will not fail to forgive. *Psalm 51:17 But most of all, I feel I need the confidence that comes from knowing that letting You have control of my heart will result in my life being filled with contentment, peace, and joy - and not emptiness and disappointment from what I let go of. Even in the painful pruning and self-discipline that this will include, I want that confidence to remain. Yes, even in these. It's so hard for us as human beings to fully relinquish. Well, at least for me - as much as I don't want to admit it.  

• Exodus 33:18 "Then Moses said, ""Now show me Your glory.""

God, it's always good to be reminded of Your glory. Please keep it active and present in my life - for it keeps us humble, it keeps us encouraged as we see Your power and might, it keeps a healthy, reverent fear of You in our life.

• Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

God, I want to remain humble. Please perfect Your love in me that I might be devoted to others because of it. I ask You to remind me to honor others above me. To show me how to honor others above, me. I do not want to honor them above You, though, for that is the most dangerous of games. It is idolatry. "Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between." Remove the people idols from my life.

• Romans 12:9 "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."

God, I ask You to show me how to truly bold in hating evil. I ask that You would help me to recognize it quickly. Help me not to rationalize it in any way in my own life, but help me instead to understand how far it is from Your character and how offensive it is to You, for then I will not want to delight in it. *I Corinthians 13:6 Cultivate sincere love in me that I might boldly stand for and declare Your truth - like a tree with deep, deep roots *Psalm 1:1-3 - no matter the cost.

• Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry."
• Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."  

God, thanks. A sincere thank you for Your patience. I understand that 2014 will NOT be the year that I finally live perfectly. It will not be the year that I completely "get my act together" because I have made this resolution. But, what I do want to ask of You is that You will keep me in step with You in this process - that really, should be a lifelong resolution. I may get impatient with the moments when it seems I'll never learn. I may get impatient because I'm tired of learning more fully to let go of my flesh. I may get impatient because, well, I don't "feel" like You're working or speaking to me. Let me not run ahead of You, or lag behind. Please make me fully aware of when I have let go of Your hand - for You do not let go of ours. *Hebrews 13:5

The more that I've been thinking about what it means to begin intentionally opening my heart to Him, I've realized that if I do my part, my life will inevitably reflect Him - godliness will increase in my life. You know, as hard as it can be to let go of self - I would not want ANYONE else molding me and making me. No one. Deep down I know that He will be kind and good and generous. That whatever discipline He brings into my life is not for His own weird satisfaction or enjoyment, but out of love for me. *Proverbs 3:11-12 Last week is when the word "godliness" popped into my mind in reference to the fruit that would come out of all of this, and these thoughts hit me right between the eyes: His word says that "godliness with contentment is great gain." *I Timothy 6:6 (yes, this verse is on my list, along with the request that He fill me with contentment) The verse does speak to the fact that godliness can be present without much contentment. But, if my relationship with Christ is the source of my godliness, in my humble opinion, it WILL contain contentment. I've observed plenty of people in my lifetime who have the "godliness" down pat, but their lives do not speak of contentment which is sad, really. There are many who need eyes and hearts opened to the fact that their godliness has come from "doing" and not from a heart-change from the Master. Perhaps we've been godly because our image is at stake. Our reputation is at stake. Our godliness comes from the motivation to please people. Our motivation comes from living with legalism. Our godliness comes from complacency and simply going through the motions as a Christian. We lose our contentment when we look ANYWHERE else, but to the author and finisher of our faith. *Hebrews 12:2 When we look elsewhere we become envious and jealous. We compare "their "life (whomever that may be) against our life. Their success against ours. We become discontent with allowing Jesus to receive the glory. We want more of us and less of Him. We become more judgmental. We feel empty. We want more "things." May He give us wisdom to understand the source of our own discontentment.

Inevitably, I get tested in the days and weeks that follow one of my blog posts. God is just simply faithful in making sure we are who we say we are. *le sigh ;) It makes me want to procrastinate in sharing on here, I'll admit. Obviously, the testing from God is a good thing. We also have an enemy who tests. (Bah humbug) He doesn't let me alone either. He will do everything he can to make so I don't have time, energy, or determination to lay my heart wide open before my God. He's just simply an angry being who wants me to fail. *I Peter 5:8 Be alert, friend. And keep me accountable too, ok!?

*II Thessalonians 3:3 "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one."

Happy New Year in February to you! I dare you today, tomorrow, or sometime in the very near future, to stand in front of your mirror and allow yourself to smile. To smile, because He made you. To smile, because He made no one like you. To smile, because He delights in you and is willing to enable you to be the best you that you can possibly be. To smile, because He compares you to no one and wants you to be content. I need to do the same.

Jules